The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.com)
Sat, 09 Aug 03 02:11:44 +0100
Hiya Folks...
We all know that movies have rules - this time we look at the rules for
dog movies...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
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*********** ANDROMEDA **** Internet Goddess ***********
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
The Rules for Dog Movies
------------------------
1) Puppies: Dogs in movies breed easily and often. A cardboard box with
a single towel is a sufficient whelping area (see The Retrievers, Full
House (Comet's origin episode)). Whelping is easy and safe. Puppies are
usually born about 2-3 weeks old, fat and squirmy, and occasionally are
as much as 6 weeks before they are found by people. They are always a
complete surprise: movie dogs never show that they are pregnant, and
sometimes are male.
2) Genetics: If the mother and father are purebred and of different
breeds (or dad is a mutt), one puppy will look like the father, the rest
like the mother. This is known as the "Lady and the Tramp" rule (see
also: Man's Best Friend, Turner and Hooch, Rover Dangerfield). If one
parent is a mix breed, the puppies will be purebred (see: Fluke, in
which an Aussie-like mom has a litter of Golden puppies, and Old Drum,
in which a Golden dad and mutt mom = Jack Russell puppies).
3) Poodles: are always female. So are Collies (rough coats only need
apply).
4) Adults in a child centered movie: fall into three categories,
Clueless, Evil, and Enlightened. Example: in Air Bud, Josh's mom is
clueless, the dog's clown owner is evil, and his basketball coach is
enlightened.
5) Food: movie dogs never eat dog food. If someone mistakenly offers one
dog food, it will look up mournfully and walk away. They thrive on
pizza, hamburgers, donuts, garbage, fried chicken, and pudding. No
worries though, because...
6) Movie dogs never have a bowel movement except for comic effect, and
it's never diarrhea due to stress or diet change. Only male dogs
urinate, and this as well is only for comic effect.
7) Only evil people lock dogs in cages, fenced yards, or tie outs. Good
people allow the dog to roam freely and, hopefully, procreate.
8) Dogs that can speak fluent English cannot understand what people say
(Cats and Dogs, Homeward Bound), but dogs that are mute can understand
everything.
9) Dogs are never obtained on purpose - from a breeder, shelter, etc.
This is despite the fact that dogs in shelters are often rare purebreeds
(102 Dalmatians had a Komondor, Border Terrier, Bullmastiff, and
Borzoi). Dogs are usually found in the house, car, etc, but sometimes in
the front yard. Children are always the first to find the dog if it has
managed to sneak into the house.
10) In any given movie, the dog must be threatened with death at least
once, preferably by the Evil human, occasionally by the Clueless human
for a crime the dog did not actually commit. Although bullets seldom
kill a movie dog, they are often shot or shot at. More benign threats of
death include loss in the woods, attacks by wild animals, and mysterious
illness (which usually turns out to be pregnancy).
Please include this information if you forward this joke:
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