The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.com
)
Tue, 3 Nov 1998 15:41:25 +0000
The Loony Bin - http://loonies.net800.co.uk/
Hiya Folks...
Let's all find out about the internet...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
*******************************************************
*******************************************************
*** ***
*** THE LOONY BIN ***
*** loonies@bloodaxe.com ***
*** Archive: http://loonies.net800.co.uk/ ***
*** ***
*******************Internet Goddess********************
**********************ANDROMEDA************************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
THE INTERNET
Q. What, exactly, is the Internet?
A. The Internet is a worldwide network of university,
government, business, and private computer systems.
Q. Who runs it?
A. A 13-year-old named Jason.
Q. How can I get on the Internet?
A. The easiest way is to sign up with one of the popular
commercial "online" services, such as Prodigy, CompuServe, or
America Online, which will give you their program disks for
free. Or, if you just leave your house unlocked, they'll sneak
in some night and install their programs on your computer when
you're sleeping. They really want your business.
Q. What are the benefits of these services?
A. The major benefit is that they all have simple, "user-
friendly" interfaces that enable you - even if you have no
previous computer experience - to provide the online services
with the information they need to automatically put monthly
charges on your credit card bill forever.
Q. What if I die?
A. They don't care.
Q. Can't I cancel my account?
A. Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime.
Q. How?
A. Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us have been
trying for years to cancel our online service accounts, but no
matter what we do, the charges keep appearing on our bills.
We're thinking of entering the Federal Witness Protection
Program.
Q. What if I have children?
A. You'll want an anesthetic, because it really hurts.
Q. No, I mean, what if my children also use my Internet account?
A. You should just sign your house and major internal organs
over to the online service right now.
Q. Aside from running up charges, what else can I do once I'm
connected to an online service?
A. Millions of things! An incredible array of things! No end of
things!
Q. Like what?
A. You can ... ummmm ... OK! I have one! You can chat.
Q. Chat?
A. Chat.
Q. I can already chat. I chat with my friends..
A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of people
all over the entire globe, you can chat with total strangers,
many of whom are boring and stupid!
Q. Sounds great! How does it work?
A. Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to chat
in. Some areas are just for general chatting, and some are for
specific interest groups, such as Teens, Poets, Cat Lovers,
Religious People, Gays, Gay Teens Who Read Religious Poetry to
Cats, and of course Guys Having Pointless Arguments About
Sports. At any given moment, an area can contain anywhere from
two to dozens of people, who use clever fake names such as
"ByteMe2" so nobody will know their real identities.
Q. What are their real identities?
A. They represent an incredible range of people, people of all
ages, in all kinds of fascinating fields from scientists to
singers, from writers to wranglers, from actors to athletes -
you could be talking to almost anybody on the Internet!
Q. Really?
A. No. You're almost always talking to losers and hormone-crazed
13-year-old boys. But they pretend to be writers, wranglers,
scientists, singers, etc.
Q. What do people talk about in chat areas?
A. Most chat-area discussions revolve around the fascinating
topic of who is entering and leaving the chat area. A secondary,
but equally fascinating, topic is where everybody lives. Also,
for a change of pace, every now and then the discussion is
interrupted by a hormone-crazed 13-year-old boy wishing to talk
dirty to women. To give you an idea of how scintillating the
repartee can be, here's a recreation of a typical chat area
dialogue (do not read this scintillating repartee while
operating heavy machinery):
LilBrisket: Hi everybody
Wazootyman: Hi LilBrisket
Toadster: Hi Bris
Lungftook: Hi B
LilBrisket: What's going on?
Toadster: Not much
Lungftook: Pretty quiet
(LONGISH PAUSE)
Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
LilBrisket: No
Toadster: Nope
Lungftook: Sorry
(LONGISH PAUSE)
UvulaBob: Hi everybody
Toadster: Hi UvulaBob
Lungftook: Hi Uvula
LilBrisket: Hi UB
Wazootyman: Hi U
UvulaBob: What's happening?
LilBrisket: Kinda slow
Toadster: Same old same old
Lungflook: Pretty quiet
Jason56243837: LilBrisket, take off your panties
LilBrisket: OK, but I'm a man
(LONGISH PAUSE)
Wazootyman: UvulaBob, are you from Texas?
UvulaBob: No.
(LONGISH PAUSE)
Lungftook: Well, gotta run.
Toadster: 'bye, Lungflook
LilBrisket: Take 'er easy, Lungster
Wazootyman: See ya around, Lung
UvulaBob: So long, L
(LONGISH PAUSE)
PolypMaster: Hi everybody
LilBrisket: Hey, PolypMaster
Toadster: Yo, Polyp
UvulaBob: Hi, P
PolypMaster: What's going on?
LilBrisket: Not much
Toadster: Pretty quiet
UvulaBob: Kinda slow ...
And so it goes in the chat areas, hour after riveting hour,
where the ideas flow fast and furious, and at any moment you
could learn some fascinating nugget of global-network
information, such as whether or not PolypMaster comes from
Texas.
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