Pre-Relationship Agreement...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.com )
Wed, 28 Oct 1998 04:22:28 +0000


The Loony Bin - http://loonies.net800.co.uk/

Hiya All...

Here's one from Dale...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx

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**********************ANDROMEDA************************

  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------


< P R E - R E L A T I O N S H I P   A G R E E M E N T >   

 The party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"),
being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the
following with the party of the second part (herein referred to
as "him")   

1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship
(colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party
agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent
children, bizarre  religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social
diseases, strange political  affiliations,or currently active
relationships with anyone else that have not yet been
terminated. 

Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated
complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers,and/or
organized sports.

Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate
termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get
anywhere.

2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the
person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the
"matchmaker") blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns out
to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For definition of "real
loser", see "John DeLorean: My Story", available at most
bookstores, or  any picture of Bob Guccione in "Penthouse". For
definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon Stone in "Basic
Instinct" or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.") 

3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed
past the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the
following terminology in describing their said "dating". For the
first thirty (30)  days, both parties consent to say they are
"going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of
exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days, both parties
may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by
third parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the
commencement of the first date, either member may elect to use
the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual
acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". 
Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the
little woman," "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady"
acceptable.    
Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped
up; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards
this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on
the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to
be "on the market."
   
4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both
parties agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts
on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No
unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; "rights" or
"holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or
forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in
action" the "wounded party" agrees to "give up".   

5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days both members
of the  couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's
work pressures,schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will
be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will
be  no "running off in the middle of the night to console an old
girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the phrase
"but he/she needs me" from their vocabularies.
Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said
relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal
or to arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of
flowers. 
Following the first forty-five  (45) days, both parties will
return to their normal personalities.
   
6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that - respective gross income
aside - "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs,
theaters, and breakfasts until: He considers her suitably
impressed, He is broke, or He says, "this is ridiculous, you
pay!"  
Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the
bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary
funds on hand at the time.
   
7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: (occasionally known as the "Why do I
bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said
relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more
than four nights a week together, every effort shall be made to
split the time between their respective apartments.
Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence
the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. Both will avoid
having their mothers call at 7:30 in the morning. He agrees to
"pick up after himself" while in residence at her apartment. By
the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his
apartment "a mess".
  
8. THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each
member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the
euphoric use of  phrases like "Let's move in together," "Why
don't we start a family?" and using archaic terminology - "Let's
get married."    

9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days, both parties
agree not to use the phrase "I love you." They may love plants,
dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of
jeans fits,but not each other.
   
Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the
other party using the "G" word ... "Gone."
   
10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be
grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said
relationship:
  
       Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an 
         ex-girl/boyfriend, 
       Ending any argument with the sentence "My ex used to 
       do that same  ****"


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