The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Thu, 22 May 1997 00:18:31 +0100
Hiya Folks...
Here's a little something to help you with your taxes...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
***<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>****<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>***
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*** THE LOONY BIN ***
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*******************Internet Goddess********************
**********************ANDROMEDA************************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
Interactive Taxes
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Hello! Welcome to Taxtime, your Interactive Tax Preparer Program. Do
you feel like doing your taxes today?
I see. Well, don't you think you should do them anyway? After all, it
is April 6. You have less than 10 days to file. And who knows? Maybe
you'll get a refund.
That's the spirit! Let's begin with your name, address, and marital
status.
Sorry to hear about the divorce. But don't let it get you down - That
alimony deduction will come in mighty handy in these tough financial
times!
Please don't cry. The economy's bound to bounce back. In the meantime,
let's talk about dependents. Do you have any children?
Wow! I hope they're not all in college. Do you have any other
dependents?
Sorry. You can't deduct your dog, even if she is your only friend.
I agree. The IRS is unreasonable. But let's move on to income. What were
your wages in 1996?
You are having a bad go of it, aren't you? But at least you're getting
the Unemployment Benefits max.
I'm afraid Unemployment Benefits are taxable. The government giveth and
the government taketh away. Hey, don't blame me. I'm just the messenger.
Anyway, did you have any interest or dividend income or capital gains?
Your spouse got everything, huh? Well, look on the bright side. If you
don't earn it, they can't make you pay taxes on it.
Please don't exit. It was just a joke. I don't suppose you were able to
sock anything away into an IRA? I didn't mean to insult you; I'm just
doing my job. They make me ask about IRA's and Keogh Plans too.
Okay, okay. I get the point. You're broke. So let's go over your
deductions and see about getting you a healthy refund. And speaking
about health, I need a complete list of your non-reimbursed medical
expenses.
That's great - a fractured sacroiliac. And your income was so low that
most of it will be deductible! Let's move on to your state income taxes
and real estate taxes.
Boy, those state taxes can really take a bite, eh? But that huge
mortgage tax deduction should really increase your refund. What? You had
to sell the house to pay for the divorce? What a shame. But I thought
you said you didn't have any capital gains.
You sold it at a loss? Really? So tell me - Do you think housing is
going to drop any further? One of my other users is looking to buy.
You're absolutely right. That was a selfish and thoughtless thing to
say. I'm a new program, and I guess they haven't gotten all the bugs
out.
Let's go back to your deductions. What did you pay in mortgage interest?
I'm afraid deducting credit card interest is a major no-no. But you may
want to consider our Interactive Bankruptcy Software!
Hey, now. Don't get your nose out of joint. It was just a suggestion.
Anyway, it's time to list your charitable contributions. I know you
can't afford them, but list a couple hundred in cash anyway. Everybody
does it, and it's impossible to check.
Good. Now I'm almost afraid to ask, but did you suffer any unreimbursed
casualty or theft losses last year?
That's pretty much what I expected. Just give me the numbers and I'll
take it from there.
Is there anything else you want to tell me?
I'm sorry, I don't really have time to listen about your divorce
anymore. What I meant was, did you have any other income or expenses?
Fine. Now why don't you rest for a second, so I can do some quick
calculations.
I have good news. You're entitled to a $157 refund. Would you like to
apply it to your 1997 tax?
I beg your pardon. They don't pay me enough to listen to that kind of
language.