The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Tue, 10 Dec 1996 17:17:14 +0000
Hiya Folks...
Here's some stuff on emergency medical care...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
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*******************Internet Goddess********************
**********************ANDROMEDA************************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
====================================================
JERRY SEINFELD ON AMBULANCES
I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the
word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the
ambulance.
And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I look in the rearview
mirror, I can read the word "ambulance" behind me.
Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you
crash, you need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some
business on the way back from lunch.
YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN IN EMERGENCY MEDICAL SERVICE TOO LONG WHEN:
You can finish a 7 course dinner before anyone else has touched their
salad.
You sleep fully dressed at home ... because you like to.
The phone at home rings and you put your shoes on.
The first thing you notice about a new acquaintance is the condition of
their veins.
You have a pet name for your cardiac monitor.
Your idea of a great dinner is one that's warm.
Your spouse takes you to dinner at a nice restaurant and you tell the
maitre'd you'd like it fixed to go "just in case."
You can type Med Control's telephone number faster than your own ...
without looking.
You know the patient's Medical History better than they do.
You drive better asleep than you do awake.
You can eat spaghetti & meatballs while watching THE TEXAS CHAINSAW
MASSACRE.
You wake up for a shift change & can't remember the calls you ran last
night.
You talk to your ambulance.
You no longer get upset when someone calls you an Ambulance Driver.
Your idea of a good call is when you're cancelled enroute.
When starting your personal vehicle, you reach for the 'battery on'
switch.
FIRST AID FOR NON-MEDICALLY MINDED PERSONS
ELECTROCUTION
Is he/she still connected to the power supply? If so, SWITCH OFF THE
POWER IMMEDIATELY. Electricity costs an absolute fortune, and it would
be going to waste. Check the victim's pulse (if you can find their
wrist amongst the stack of charred bones and greasy, bubbling flesh that
was once a human being). And do try not to be squeamish about it.
Drive the victim to the nearest emergency room. You can use him/her to
jump start the engine as well if need be.
TREATING BURNS AND SCALDS
Run the affected area under cold tap water as soon as possible (if the
victim's entire body is a swirling mass of flames, it may a little too
late for this). If the victim has spilt hot liquid over his/her
clothes, then REMOVE CLOTHING IMMEDIATELY. You can never tell, the
sight of you parading around naked may cheer them up and take their mind
off their injury. Remind the victim that worse things happen at sea.
Cite drowning as an example.
FRACTURES AND BROKEN LIMBS
Check the injured area to see if the break or fracture has resulted in a
tubular shard of shearing white bone jutting outwards through the bloody
mass of flesh. If it has, then tell the victim that they are going to
die. That always perks them up. Tie a splint to the victim's leg and
ask them to walk back and forth for a few minutes. They will probably
fall down unconscious, making the rest of your job easier. Do not move
the broken or fractured limb, as this may result in an abnormal
position. However, if you're feeling daring, try pointing legs in the
wrong direction, bending wrists through 180 degrees, etc. It really is
amazing the number of fascinating contortions you can produce. Far
better than Play-Doh.
CHOKING ON FOOD
Try to dislodge the article blocking the victim's windpipe by punching
them hard in the stomach. Do remember to duck before the particles of
food hit you in the eye, however. Call the waiter and ask for a 20
percent reduction on the bill. Make a mental note to order soup next
time.
CUTS AND WOUNDS
Dress the wound, whatever that means. Try and limit the blood loss by
tying a tourniquet tightly around the victim's throat until they
experience difficulty in breathing. Ha ha, only kidding. Tie the
tourniquet just above the wound. Just my little joke. Stitch up the
wound with aluminum wire. Ha ha! Caught you again! Outsmarted you!
Still, I am an expert, you know.
OBJECTS STUCK IN VICTIM'S EYE
Rinse the victim's eye in lukewarm water. DO NOT USE SOAP AS WELL,
IDIOT. Offer to pick the object out of the victim's eye with your teeth.
This usually results in the object mysteriously "going away" and not
bothering the victim any more before you can get to it.
CONCUSSION
When the victim comes around, ask them what day it is, who the President
is, how many fingers you are holding up. To make it more difficult,
hold the fingers up behind your back. Talk in Swahili to disorient the
victim a bit more. Yes, there's a whole bundle of laughs when it comes
to concussion. Here's a good one: before the victim comes around,
switch off all the lights. When he/she regains consciousness, shout
"Thank God! We thought you might be dead, or blinded or something."