Proxy Fathers...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk )
Thu, 11 Jul 1996 11:19:20 +0100


Hiya Guys & Gals...

Here's the latest from the UK government...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx

************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************
******************<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>*******************
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***                THE LOONY BIN                  ***
***          loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk         ***
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******************Internet Goddess*******************
*********************ANDROMEDA***********************

  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------


The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently
been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers".  

Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become
pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the
service of a proxy father - a government employee who attempts to solve
the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.

The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due
to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government
man should be here soon."

Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell........

Mrs Smith:  "Good morning."

Salesman:  "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..."

Mrs Smith:  "No need to explain,  I've been expecting you."

Salesman:  "Really?  Well, good.  I've made a specialty of babies,
especially twins."

Mrs Smith:  "That's what my husband and I had hoped.  Please come in
and have a seat."

Salesman:  (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"

Mrs Smith:  "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this
is the right thing to do."

Salesman:  "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."

Mrs Smith:  (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"

Salesman:  "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub,
one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living
room floor allows the subject to really spread out."

Mrs Smith:  "Bathtub, living room floor?  No wonder it hasn't worked for
Harry and me."

Salesman:  "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time,
but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.  In fact, my business card
says, 'I aim to please.'"

Mrs Smith:  "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"

Salesman:  "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take
his time.  I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be
disappointed with that."

Mrs Smith:  "Don't I know!  Have you had much success at this?"

Salesman:  (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look
at this picture.  Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in
downtown London."

Mrs Smith:  "Oh, my!!"

Salesman:  "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They
turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so
difficult to work with."

Mrs Smith:  "She was?"

Salesman:  "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde
Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible
conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to
get a good look."

Mrs Smith:  "Four and five deep?"

Salesman:  "Yes and for more than three hours, too.  The mother got so
excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd.
I couldn't concentrate.  I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men to
restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush
my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just
packed it all in."

Mrs Smith:  "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"

Salesman:  "That's right, but it's all in a day's work.  I consider my
work a pleasure.  I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now
take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department
store."

Mrs Smith:  "I just can't believe it."

Salesman:  "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that
we can get to work."

Mrs Smith:  "TRIPOD?!?"

Salesman:  "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's
much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Mrs
Smith?...Mrs Smith?...My word, she's fainted!"