The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Wed, 10 Jul 1996 12:42:30 +0100
Hiya People...
Here are some more definitions from schoolkids...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************
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------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
From:
"The Pocket Book of Boners, An Omnibus of Schoolboy Howlers and
Unconscious Humour" (copyright 1931, 1932 by the Viking Press)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DEFINITIONS:
Adolescence is the stage between puberty and adultery.
Trigonometry is when a lady marries three men at the same time.
A bust is something a lady wears.
A caucus is a dead animal.
A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the
population.
An eavesdropper is a kind of bird.
Emphasis in reading is putting more distress in one place than another.
An Evangelist is one who brings the gossip.
God's Own Country is Heaven.
The "last supper" is the sacrament administered to a dying Catholic.
A Home is where you live with your loved ones, and a House is a big
mansion on a hill with plenty of trouble.
Gorilla warfare means when the sides get up to monkey tricks.
A man is an animal split half way up and walks on the split end.
A martyr is a pile of wood set on fire with a man on top.
An octopus is a person who hopes for the best.
Possession by spirits means feeling like the devil.
PERSONALITIES
Robert Browning married a sick poetess named Peaches, but after a
while she got well enough to go on the stage and have a baby.
Al Capone is the senator from California.
Robinson Caruso was a great singer who lived on an island.
Chopin was the King of Japan.
Catherine the Great's husband was hung by her supporters.
Polonius was a mythical sausage.
LITERATURE, LANGUAGE, and the ARTS
Allegory is a form of literature in which virtues are made vices.
A Lyric is something written to be sung by a liar.
A mask is a kind of literature that starts in the middle of a story
and ends with someone dying.
The three types of the sonnet are the Spenserian, Shakesperean and
Pedestrian.
The two Shakespearean plays I read were "Romeo" and "Juliet".
Tell all that you know about Keats:
I don't know anything. I don't even know what they are.
Shelley's most famous poem is "Adenoids".
The moral of the Ancient Mariner is: "Obey the Fish and Game Laws."
In a paper on sentimental characteristics of the age of Cowper:
The line from Cowper, "Children not thine have trod my nursery floor"
shows the prevalence of bastardy in that age.
The two genders are masculine and feminine. The masculines are divided
into temperate and intemperate and feminines into frigid and torrid.
Since pro means the opposite of con, can you give me an illustration?
Progress and Congress.
HISTORY
The government in Athens was a democracy. In Sparta it was an allegory.
The Persians outnumbered the Greeks because they had more men.
What was the Age of Pericles?
I'm not sure, but I reckon he was about forty.
Rome was overthrown by invasions of the Huns, Visigoths and Osteopaths.
The cause of the great Schism was that the Pope had his head in Rome
and his seat in Avignon.
The Pope declared Luther's writings to be hereditary.
The result of the Reformation was that the people could choose either
to be Catholics or pugilists.
Mexico was conquered by Kotex.
The edict of Nantes was a law passed by Louis XIV forbidding all births,
marriages, and deaths in France for a period of one year.
The French Revolution was caused by overcharging taxies.
What is the difference between the constitution of the year three and
the constitution of the year eight?
Five years.
Napoleon dispersed the rioters with a whiff of grape fruit.
GEOGRAPHY
Climate is caused by the emotion of the earth around the sun.
The people of Japan ride about in jigsaws.
The plains of Siberia are roamed over by the lynx and larynx.
The chief animals of australia are the kangaroo, larkspur, boomerang,
and peddadillo.
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies.
Don Juan is a town in the West Indies.
Germany is an industrial country because the poor have nothing to do
so they make lots and lots of factories.
Where is Alaska?
Alaska is not in Canada.
What people lived in the Po Valley?
Po' people.
In Athens there is a temple called the Pancreas
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
One mineral found in Canada is conundrum.
Georgia was founded by people who had been executed.
When we cross the Hudson River we come to the United States.
Where is the greater part of Europe?
In New York.
The principal exports of Sweden are hired girls.
The Indian squabs carry porpoises on their backs.
SCIENCE, MATHEMATICS AND HEALTH
Science is material. Religion is immaterial.
If there was no nitrogen in the air we should die of fits of laughter.
Name the three races of man.
Foot race, horse race and automobile race.
Charles Darwin was a natulist who wrote the Organ of the Spices.
The solid wastes are excreted through the retina.
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made men
think.
A grasshopper has three pair of wings--anterior, posterior and
bacteria.
A grasshopper passes through all the life stages from infancy to
adultery.
The law of gravity was enacted by the British Parliament.
BIBLE, RELIGIONS, AND MYTH
Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
In Christianity a man can only have one wife.
This is called Monotony.
The message came to Abraham that he should bear a son, and Sarah, who
was listening behind the door, laughed.
In what order do the Gospels come?
One after the other.
The Great Flood was sent because of the large numbers of dirty people.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand
still and he obeyed him.
Who was sorry when the Prodigal Son returned?
The fatted calf.
The Bible is against bigamy when it says that no man can serve two
masters.
Whenever David played to Saul the latter kept a javelin handy.
Eliza came before the King wrapped in a camel's hair, and said:
"Behold me, I am Elza the Tit-bit."
When David slew Goliath with a catapult the age of missile warfare
commenced. This incident drove the first nail into the coffin of
Feudalism.
If David had one fault it was a slight tendency to adultery.
Little is known of the prophet Elijah, except that he once went for a
cruise with a widdow.
Before a man could become a monk he had to have his tonsils cut.
Sarah was Abraham's half-wife, otherwise mid-wife, sometimes called
columbine.
Christanity was introduced into Britain by the Romans in 55 B.C.
Those who did not accept the Orthodox faith were hereditary.
Buddha is worshipped chiefly in Budda Pest.
Another well-known Greek God was Appolinaris.
*************AND THEN THERE IS MORE ALL OVER AGAIN***************
DEFINITIONS
Celibacy is the crime a priest commits when he marries.
Celibacy was a unit of land in the Mohammedan system.
A compliment is when you say something to another which he and
we know is not true.
A connoisseur is a person who stands outside a picture palace.
A decon is the lowest kind of a Christian.
Double dealing is when you buy something wholesale to sell retail.
"Dour" means a sort of help, as in the hymn,
"O God dour help in ages past."
A epistle is the wife of an apostle.
Faith is that quality which enables us to believe what we know to be
untrue.
The Feudal system was that if one man killed another, the man in the
family of the murdered could kill the murderers.
A fugue is what you get in a room full of people when all the window and
doors are shut.
Genius is an infinite capacity for picking brains.
A goblet is a male turkey.
A grass widow is the wife of a vegetarian.
Gravity is what you get when you eat too much and too fast.
Louis XVI was gelatined during the French Revolution.
An heir is when anybody dies you get what is left.
What is an herbaceous border?
One who boards all the week and goes home on Saturdays and Sundays.
Isinglass is what whitish substance made from the bladders of surgeons.
Matrimony is a place where souls suffer for a time on account of their
sins.
A Mayor is a he horse.
The letters M.D. signify "mentally deficient."
A monologue is a conversation between two people, such as husband and
wife.
Mussolini is a sort of material used for ladies' stockings.
An oboe is an American tramp. -ENGLISH
An optimist is a man who looks after your eyes, a pessimist looks after
your feet.
The Papal Bull was really a cow that was kept at the Vatican to supply
milk for the Pope's children.
The Papal Bull was a mad bull kept by the Pope in the Inquisition to
trample on Protestants.
Paraffin is the next order of angels above seraphims.
A period is a dot at the end of a sentence.
Period costumes are dress all covered with dots.
A polygon is a man who has many wives.
A prodigal is the son of a priest.
A Protestant is a woman who gets her living through in immortal life.
What are rabies, and what would you do for them?
Rabies are Jewish priests. I should do nothing for them.
A refugee keeps order at a football match.
Revolution is a form of government abroad.
A Senator is half horse and half man.
A sinecure is a disease without a cure.
A skeleton is a man with his inside out and his outside off.
S.O.S. is a musical term meaning "same only softer".
A Soviet is a cloth used by waiters in hotels.
A spinster is a bachelor's wife.
Transparent means something you can see through, for instance a keyhole.
A vacuum is an empty space where the Pope lives.
Aesophagus was the author of aesop's Fables.
An anachronism is a thing that a man puts in writing in the past before
it has taken place in the future.
An armadillo is an ornamental shrub.
The catacombs were where the early Christians lived when they were put
to death by Nero.
Catharsisis a psychological means of stopping a catarrh.
It illustrates the influence of mind over body.
A caucus is a sort of big parrot that has been taught to swear.
Caviar is the eggs of a surgeon.
Celibacy is a disease of the brain.
The Dauphin was a rare fish that used to inhabit the Arctic Circle in
the middle ages.
Chivalry is the act of a man who gives his seat to a lady in a public
convenience.
The Crusaders were cross people.
A dynamo is a machine that makes dynamite and other explosions.
An epidemic is a needle the doctor used to put medicine in your arm.
Etiquette is little things you do that you don't want to do.
Fiction are those books which are fixed on the shelves and are not to be
moved; non fiction are not fixed and may be moved at will.
A gelding is a stallion who has his tonsils taken out so he would have
more time to himself.
A pedagogue is an animal with large ears.
An imbecile is a germ floating around in the air which anybody is liable
to catch.
"Laissez-faire" meant "let the farmers pay the taxes."
Lumbago is a mineral used in making lead pencils.
A martyr is something like a bachelor.
Mastication is what the Italians do with their hands when they talk
English.
A millennium is something like a centenial, only it has more legs.
Mistletoe is a man who hates all mankind.
Monasteries were places where monsters were kept.
The Moratorium is a big ocean liner.
An octogenarian is an animal which has eight young at birth.