The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Wed, 30 Jul 1997 19:01:18 +0100
Hiya Folks... Here's a guide to installing those chips... Wishes & Dreams... - ANDREA xx ***<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>****<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>*** ***<bloodaxe@geocities.com>***<bloodaxe@bigfoot.com>*** *** *** *** THE LOONY BIN *** *** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk *** *** Archive: http://eleceng.ukc.ac.uk/~pjw/loonies/ *** *** *** *******************Internet Goddess******************** **********************ANDROMEDA************************ ------- Forwarded foolishness follows ------- Installation instructions for the 48666(TM) chip. (TM - Eternal Damnation Enterprises) ------------------------------------------------- 1. Open your computer out of direct sunlight behind closed curtains. 2. Using the static strap supplied, remove the 80486 chip from it's socket on your motherboard and place it in the static-proof envelope. Not that you'll ever use it again of course. 3. Remove the strap and take out the 48666 chip. Don't worry about static, nothing in *this* Universe can harm it. 4. Wait for the ring of wailing and gnashing of teeth to subside. By this time the smell of burning flesh and blood should have gone and your vision should no longer be tainted with red. 5. Place the 48666 chip in your socket, making sure to put it label side down and index mark away from index point. 6. Wait for the screaming of eternal damnation to subside 7. Withdraw the power cords from the back of your machine and monitor. You won't be needing those anymore. 8. Remove any sound cards (Adlib/Soundblaster etc) and disconnect the internal speaker. There are some things you just don't want to hear. If the computer wants your attention, believe me, it'll get it. 9. Disconnect any heat or smoke detectors in the immediate vicinity as the chips have a tendency to trigger these for some reason. This is a known bug and nothing to worry about. POWERING ON ----------- 10. To power on the machine, simply reach for the power button as if to switch the machine on. WARNING: Don't attempt to switch the machine off unless it has told you to do so WARNING2: Don't ever touch the control key. Best not to even give the illusion that you have any control. Better still, pry the keycap off or prefix "Control" with "No". (Make sure the words NO *never* get worn off) 11. The startup tests should run in the following order: Evil 1 thru 64 Pure Evil 1 thru 64 Pure Concentrated Evil 1 thru... 12. You will notice that the brightness and contrast controls no longer work on your monitor. Disconnecting your screen won't help either 13. Sooner or later you will realise that you can put as many floppies in the drive as you like, but none will come out. Ever. 14. Ever 15. To use Intuitive FTP(tm), simply consider the disgusting images you would like to view. You will be logged in via anonymous FTP to the ftp site that currently has what you require. 16. It's probably not a good idea to allow other people use your PC. Discourage them by hacking off their limbs with the rusty axe supplied. 17. Speaking of rusty axes, do not enter games like Adventure and Dungeon. Consequences of doing this are indeterminant. Does anyone have a use for Axe-Weilding Trolls and knive throwing dwarves? Thank you for purchaing the 48666 chip - it should provide you a lifetimes (hah!) service... ------------------------------------------------------------------- Notes: The 48666 chip is copyrighted, trademarked and otherwise protected. Remember, we might not catch up with you in this world, but in the next... Oh Boy! --------------------------------------------------------------------