The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Wed, 30 Jul 1997 18:40:19 +0100
Hiya Loonies...
Okay guys, how well do you score...???
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
***<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>****<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>***
***<bloodaxe@geocities.com>***<bloodaxe@bigfoot.com>***
*** ***
*** THE LOONY BIN ***
*** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk ***
*** Archive: http://eleceng.ukc.ac.uk/~pjw/loonies/ ***
*** ***
*******************Internet Goddess********************
**********************ANDROMEDA************************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
Subject: How to Score Points with a Woman
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman
happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she
dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for
doing something she expects -- sorry, that's the way the game is
played.
Simple Duties
----------------
You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car....................
+1
You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it
to the nearest gas station........................................
-1
You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb....
+1
You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am, just as the truck pulls
away..............................................................
-1
You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish.................
+1
You leave them under the bed......................................
-5
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with
wings.............................................................
+5
But return with beer..............................................
-5
You leave the toilet seat up......................................
-1
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty.................
0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.......
-1
When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to the next
bathroom..........................................................
-2
You make the bed..................................................
+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows........
0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.......................
-1
You check out a suspicious noise at night.........................
0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing.................
0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something...............
+5
You pummel it with a six iron.....................................
+10
It's her father...................................................
-10
Social Engagements
------------------------
You stay by her side the entire party.............................
0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college drinking buddy............................................
-2
Named Tiffany.....................................................
-4
Tiffany is a dancer...............................................
-6
Tiffany has implants..............................................
-8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her
lovingly..........................................................
+1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and
pat her on the rump...............................................
-5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if
you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as
attractive as you"................................................
+1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's
attractive, you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed"..
-6
That woman is her sister..........................................
-90
You have one drink, and that's it.................................
0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle......
-2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted....
-18
Things Of A Disgusting Nature
-------------------------------------
You unclog a stopped-up toilet....................................
+6
You clean up cat, dog or human vomit..............................
+7
You get rid of a dead rodent......................................
+8
You remove the collie from the thresher...........................
+12
You take her mother to see Cats...................................
+16
Saturday Afternoon
------------------------
You go to the mall together.......................................
+3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the
car...............................................................
+4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a
sports bar......................................................
-2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it...
+3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional..
0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk.............
+3
Most of it chips and beer.........................................
-6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den....
+15
Or refinishing the floors.........................................
+16
Or rewiring the basement..........................................
+17
Or adding a second floor..........................................
+18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket......
-6
And you're tickled pink about it..................................
-15
You visit her parents.............................................
+1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation..............
+3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television........
-3
And the television is off.........................................
-6
You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear.......
-6
And you didn't even go to college.................................
-10
And it's not your underwear.......................................
-15
Her Birthday
---------------
You take her out to dinner........................................
0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar..............
+1
Okay, it is a sports bar..........................................
-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night....................................
-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team..........................
-10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player......
+3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and
sing..............................................................
+4
And you stink.....................................................
+2
And you're not half bad...........................................
+5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out
to much applause..............................................
-2
You give her a gift...............................................
0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance...................
-10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance...............
+1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate.......................
+2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months..........
+30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day........
-10
With her credit card..............................................
-30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big......................
-40
Thoughtfulness
-------------------
You forget her birthday completely................................
-10
You forget your anniversary.......................................
-20
You forget to pick her up at the bus station......................
-25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey....................................
-35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast.......................
-50
A Night Out With The Boys
--------------------------------
Go out with a pal.................................................
-5
And the pal is happily married....................................
-4
Or frighteningly single...........................................
-7
And he drives a Trans Am..........................................
-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED).....................
-15
You have a few beers..............................................
-9
And miss curfew by an hour........................................
-12
You get home at 3 am..............................................
-20
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars...........
-30
And not wearing any pants.........................................
-40
Is that a tattoo???...............................................
-200
Her Night Out
----------------
You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work
friends...........................................................
+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends,and she comes home
late..............................................................
+10
You wait up.......................................................
+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...
+20
She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed, but
not before she pukes in the bathroom..............................
+25
Which you clean up................................................
+35
A Night At Home
--------------------
You watch TV together.............................................
0
You rent a movie..................................................
+1
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY.....................
+3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout............
+5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep......................
-1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool............
-2
A Night Out
--------------
You take her to a movie...........................................
+2
You take her to a movie she likes.................................
+4
You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Susan Sarandon)...
+6
You take her to a movie you like..................................
-2
It's called DeathCop 3............................................
-7
Which features cyborgs having sex.................................
-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and
sheepdogs.........................................................
-15
Flowers
----------
You buy her flowers only when it's expected.......................
0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it........
+5
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself..........
+10
And she contracts Lyme disease....................................
-25
Your Physique
------------------
You develop a noticeable potbelly.................................
-15
You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it..............
+10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts...................................................
-5
Grooming
------------
You trim your nails...............................................
+5
You trim your nails in the living room............................
-10
You trim your nails and flick them at the cat.....................
-15
You shave on the weekends.........................................
+2
You don't shave on the weekends...................................
-4
You don't bathe on the weekends either............................
-8
But then, neither does she........................................
+8
Finances
-----------
You spend a lot of money on something impractical.................
-5
Something she can't use...........................................
-10
Such as a motorized model airplane................................
-20
And your kid needs braces.........................................
-30
In fact, all four of the kids need braces.........................
-120
Driving
--------
You lose the directions on a trip.................................
-4
You lose the direction and end up getting lost....................
-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town.....................
-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up
close and personal................................................
-25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt..................
-60
The Big Question
---------------------
She asks, "Do I look fat?"........................................
-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding........................................
-10
You reply, "Where?"...............................................
-25
Communication
------------------
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
what looks like a concerned expression............................
0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes...........
+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV....
+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep.................
-10