The Loony Bin
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loonies@bloodaxe.com
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Wed, 24 Jan 2001 16:21:16 +0000
The Loony Bin - http://loonies.net800.co.uk/
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Interesting things are going on in the gnome world...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
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************ANDROMEDA******Internet Goddess************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
Vive le gnome libre!
We have a new, and very serious threat to the well-being of homeowners
around the globe.
According to a short report issued by the Agence France-Presse (which
was reprinted in several major newspapers, including Canada's National
Post), a new faction of society is resorting to spectacular tactics like
mysterious midnight kidnaping raids to draw attention to their call for
freedom.
They call themselves - I swear - The Garden Gnome Liberation Front.
The Front's aim, apparently, is to free gnomes from domestic captivity
and return them to their natural woodland habitats. Earlier this month,
some 143 garden gnomes were discovered lined up in front of the city
hall in Sarrebourg in eastern France. Previously, another 73 had been
found in a schoolyard.
There is no doubt that the gnome's plight is a desperate one. Captured
by the thousands every year by slave rings operating under code names
like "Wal-Mart" and "Target," the poor little critters are torn away
from their homes and families and placed on shelves in garden centers
throughout the world - ironically, right next to products like
"RoundUp."
After weeks of torture (things like flourescent lighting and mall music)
designed to break their spirits, they are sold to homeowners who force
them to stand motionless, for seasons at a time, in their gardens. An
ignominious fate if there ever was one.
No wonder then, that 11 of them were found hanged last year, in what the
French press called a 'collective suicide'. The accompanying note
explained that they were "leaving this cruel world... to join the temple
of oppressed gnomes". (The temple of course, being a central tenet of
their religious faith, Gnosticism.)
Why should homeowners be concerned? Because if you've ever studied the
rise of oppressed accessories throughout history, you'll know it's only
a matter of time before the gnomes start using more aggressive tactics.
Indeed, there's already talk of setting up a freedom fighters world
headquarters in Nome, Alaska. Improvements in cellular technology will
soon create units small enough for these creatures to improve their
communications networks - enabling them, in effect, to phone gnome. And
it worries me that the GGLF started in France: a country known for
things like revolutions, Bastille storming, and gnuillotines.
Frankly, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm not already a victim of a quiet
campaign of horticultural terror. Several flowers in my garden have died
mysteriously this year, and at least one of my stepping stones has gone
missing. (I'm just waiting for it to turn up as a little bag of
pulverized gravel accompanied by a demand note).
Several new weeds have been "introduced" into my lily patch. A friend of
mine living on a ranch in the prairies has reported that he stepped on a
rake twice this year and swears that he wasn't responsible for leaving
it out on the lawn.
This means there's at least one activist gnome on the range. Maybe even
a whole group of radical gnomesteaders.
But it's the widespread effects of a potential gnome uprising that are
truly frightening. If they succeed, they set the stage for further
upheaval. We'll have pink flamingos, stone toads, various half-naked
Greek statuettes and even garden gargoyles clamoring to join the gnome
front. Entire bands of garden creatures wandering loose in the
countryside, causing trouble. Gnomads, if you will.
After that, who knows? Stuffed animals everywhere might be inspired to
crawl out from under the bed to freedom, with a battle cry of "there's
no place like Gnome!" on their faux-fur lips. Heck, there are enough
captive Beanie Babies alone to start up entire regiments. And perhaps
the Royal Doulton figurines will start thinking of restoring the
monarchy again.
So take this as a warning my friends: gnomes may be cute, but they are
also revolting. Hide the hedge clippers and lock the implement shed at
night. Report any suspicious movements to the proper authorities.
Be ever vigilant, because you can bet they're not going to stop until
they're gnome free.
Chandra K. Clarke
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