Exam Answers...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.com )
Mon, 5 Jun 2000 14:21:37 +0100


The Loony Bin - http://loonies.net800.co.uk/

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Every year 16-year-old British school pupils take exams in a variety of
subjects - these are called GCSEs...and as with most exams, there are
some people whose answers leave something to be desired...reminds me of
the distress my little brother suffered in the same set of exams when he
realised he'd just written an essay talking about 'Pentecostal'
(intercostal) muscles...

These come from Tom...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx

*********THE LOONY BIN****loonies@bloodaxe.com*********
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  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------


GCSE Answers

English
Define the word "monotony."
Monotony is being married to the same person all your life.

Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its
meaning.
Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (A famous line from a
washing up liquid advert - "Now hands that do dishes can be soft as your
face...")

What does the word "benign" mean?
Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

What is the correct use of a semi-colon?
Only to be used as a last resort, a semi-colon is a partial removal of
the intestines.

Technology
What is a turbine?
Something an Arab wears on his head.

History
What is Britain's highest award for valour in war?
Nelson's column.

Religion
Who did not welcome the return of the prodigal son?
The fatted calf.

What is a Hindu?
It lays eggs.

Geography
Name the four seasons.
Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

What is the equator?
A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.

Name a greenhouse gas. What could be done to decrease global warming?
Cows make large amounts of methane when they fart. This could be reduced
by fitting them with catalytic converters.

Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

How is dew formed?
The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

What is a planet?
A body of earth surrounded by sky.

What causes the tides in the oceans?
The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

What is a fossil?
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

Biology
What happens to your body as you age?
When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
Premature death.

What is artificial insemination?
When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

How can you delay milk turning sour?
Keep it in the cow.

How are the main parts of the body categorised? (E.g. abdomen.)
The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity.
The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs,
and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Briefly describe the skeleton and its function in the body.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and
the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is
something to hitch the meat onto.

What is the Fibula?
A small lie.

Where are the Tibia?
They live in a country in North Africa.

What does "varicose" mean?
Nearby.

What is the most common form of birth control?
Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

What is the alimentary canal?
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

What is a coma?
A coma is a punctual mark a bit like a period or full stop.

What is a seizure?
A Roman emperor.

What is a terminal illness?
When you are sick at the airport.

Name the types of teeth in an adult human. How many are there of each?
A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cupids, two
molars and eight cuspidors.

Sociology
What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

In a democratic society, how important are elections?
Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

What is a social node?
A friend you have known for a very long time.

Medical
What is the first thing you would do to someone who has been immobilised
in a road accident?
Rape them tight in a blanket and give them a sweet cup of tea.

What is artificial respiration commonly known as?
The kiss of death.

What should you do with someone you have found unconscious in the water?
1. Lay them on their backs and give them artificial insemination.
2. Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial
perspiration.

How can you help someone who has fainted?
1. Rub the person's chest or, if it's a lady, rub her arm above the hand
instead.
2. Put its head between the knees of the nearest doctor.

What are steroids?
Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

What is a common treatment for a bad nosebleed?
1. Circumcision.
2. Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

How would you treat a head cold?
Use an agonised to spray the nose until it drops into your throat.

What should be done if someone has been bitten by a dog?
Put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill
it.

What has to be established before giving a blood transfusion?
If the blood is affirmative or negative.

How should you remove dust from the eye?
Pull the eye down over the nose.

What is an enema?
Someone who is not your friend.

Psychology
What is a morbid state?
A stage in a take-over, when a bigger offer is made.

Botany
What can be coloured red, pink, orange or flamingo?
The rectum.

Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas.

What is rhubarb?
A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

Describe how flowers are most commonly fertilised.
1. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
2. Germination is the process of becoming a German.
3. Fertilisation is the fussing of the male with the female garments.

Chemistry
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

Physics
What is momentum?
What you give a body when they are going away.

What is a vacuum.
A large empty space where the pope lives.

What is a magnet?
Something you find crawling on a dead cat.


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