Win2000...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.com )
Fri, 30 Jun 2000 13:55:13 +0100


Hiya Loonies...

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Let's learn some more about Windoze 2000...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx

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  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------


Windoze 2000 Application Development Strategy


As part of its effort to standardize the user interface and
functionality of all Windoze 2000 programs, Windoze producer Micromafia
has proposed the following guidelines. They will make your development
strategy consistent with the development strategy at Micromafia.

1. Start by having your R&D staff search the net and other sources for
popular applications until they find one that would look good in a box
with the art division's latest logo.

2. The R&D staff must now completely replicate that product, changing
the interface slightly and adding no less than 20,000 extra
"features,"
at least 100 of which must really be bugs that they didn't feel like
fixing.

3. Do NOT, under any circumstances, test the product. This is a waste of
time and money. Ship the first beta that arrives on your desk. In fact,
don't bother even getting it on your desk. Just ship every build that
comes along. Users like upgrades. Besides, you can charge people for bug
fixes cleverly disguised as "service packages". Users love service
packages.

4. Hopefully someone's written a user's manual. In fact, it's probably
readable by a normal human being. This is unacceptable; perform a find
and replace operation on random English words, replacing them with
technical terms and acronyms. Users like acronyms; they add mystery to a
product. Never tell what an acronym means; this is unprofessional. You
may even wish to make up your own acronyms; again, don't tell what they
mean. For every sensible sentence, you lose at least three calls to your
$200-per-incident tech support line. Users love calling tech support,
especially when there are fifty touch tone menus that all lead to the
same two people.

5. Prepare for shipping. Have your team of 57 lawyers create a
prefabricated license agreement. If you do not have 57 lawyers, hire or
fire as necessary so that you do have 57 lawyers. Be sure that the
license agreement includes a "by opening the box, you agree to
this"
statement. Then put it inside the box. Users will perceive this as a
joke and laugh. Users love involuntarily binding themselves to legal
agreements.

6. Before shipping, invest in shrink wrap. Shrink wrap the manual.
Shrink wrap the CD. Shrink wrap each and every floppy disk separately.
Shrink wrap the "getting started" card. Shrink wrap the
registration
card. Shrink wrap the card from your grandmother. Then dump the whole
mess in a box and shrink wrap it. Pack several boxes inside a larger
brown box with 5,637 non-decomposable foam peanuts (each one shrink
wrapped individually, of course). Be sure the foam peanut count is
exactly 5,637. Remove or add shrink-wrapped foam peanuts as necessary.
Throw in a roll of bubble wrap because of its entertainment value.

7. Ship the product and move your entire R&D and art staff to the
$200-per-incident tech support lines.


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