The Loony Bin
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loonies@bloodaxe.com
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Mon, 15 May 2000 23:40:48 +0100
The Loony Bin - http://loonies.net800.co.uk/ Hiya People... Here's another list for you to look at: The V o o d o o D o n k e y: Taking pride in mailing QUALITY humor about 6 days a week, jokes that ARE funny, and amusing true life stories. Sign yourself up now by sticking 'yer head into a mop bucket and shouting: VoodooDonkey-Subscribe@Topica.com WEBSITE has hilarious Movies, Pictures, Humor and a Relationship Finder Singles Board. Enjoy! it's at: www.VoodooDonkey.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Here's what Melvin Durai has to say about Scientists... Wishes & Dreams... - ANDREA xx *********THE LOONY BIN****loonies@bloodaxe.com********* *** *** *** Archive: http://loonies.net800.co.uk/ *** *** *** ************ANDROMEDA******Internet Goddess************ ------- Forwarded foolishness follows ------- "SCIENTISTS OFFER TOO MANY ANSWERS" Over the last few years, scientific research has reached new heights. Many scientists are striving to provide answers to the questions that dominate modern life, questions such as: How many microwave meals can you eat in a day without throwing up? How many times can you pierce your body parts without them falling off? How many seconds of soccer can you watch without falling asleep? Lately, the scientific answers have been appearing so frequently, we can't adjust our lives fast enough. This is indeed scary, because we may be doing something as a daily routine that's eventually going to kill us. We may be eating too many vegetables, drinking too much soda or watching too many talk shows. Almost every week, a study published in a scientific journal receives so much attention in the media, you'd think it has something to do with Monica Lewinsky. Some journals have turned into publicity machines, sending press kits to every media outlet, eager to warn us about almost every act that brings us pleasure. Peter Jennings and other network anchors seem to always be saying something like: "According to a study in this month's New Mexico Journal of Medicine, children who eat ice cream every day are more likely to shoot their classmates." Partly to boost circulation, journals are increasingly producing lifestyle reports geared to the general public. This of course means that scientists have to translate their reports into the language spoken by normal people. A few years ago, a report may have concluded that "the unremitting ingestion of alcoholic intoxicants can undermine one's capacity to cogitate." Today, the conclusion is much simpler: "Drunks ain't too smart." What exasperates people like me is that the studies often contradict each other: Eggs are bad for you. On second thought, they're good for you. No, wait a minute, they're bad for you, unless you have the good sense to remove the shells and cook them. The results of some studies are announced long before enough evidence has been gathered. After studying 50 people willing to do anything for a few bucks, a scientist draws a conclusion that scares everyone else to death. Given the recent trend, don't be surprised if scientific journals soon publish studies proving that: - The most effective way to prevent sexual harassment is to stop taking baths. And also to stop visiting the White House. - Fruit Loops are nutritious for children and won't make them loopy. - Beef is indeed real food for real people who have real appetites and are often real fat. - Second-hand smoke is dangerous for your health, but not as dangerous as second-hand underwear. - The best way to lose weight is to avoid eating anything that tastes good. In other words, limit your diet to foods like broccoli, fruit cake and hay. - Illiterate people are less likely to spread diseases, because they don't take books into bathrooms. - The most effective way to fight dandruff is to shave your head. - Using Rogaine can occasionally improve your sex life, but Viagra has no effect whatsoever on baldness. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Melvin Durai is a humor columnist at the Chambersburg, Pa., Public Opinion. Write to mdurai@mail.cvn.net or 77 N. Third St., Chambersburg, Pa. 17201. Read previous columns at http://www.cvn.net/~mdurai Please include this information if you forward this joke: ********************************************************* This joke and others like it, can be found in: The Loony Bin http://loonies.net800.co.uk/ ********************************************************* Get PAID to surf the Web! http://alladvantage.com/go.asp?refid=BFN610 ______________________________________________________________________ To unsubscribe, write to loonies-unsubscribe@listbot.com