Scientists...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.com )
Mon, 15 May 2000 23:40:48 +0100


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Here's what Melvin Durai has to say about Scientists...

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- ANDREA
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  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------


"SCIENTISTS OFFER TOO MANY ANSWERS"

Over the last few years, scientific research has reached new heights.
Many scientists are striving to provide answers to the questions that
dominate modern life, questions such as: How many microwave meals can
you eat in a day without throwing up? How many times can you pierce your
body parts without them falling off? How many seconds of soccer can you
watch without falling asleep?

Lately, the scientific answers have been appearing so frequently, we
can't adjust our lives fast enough. This is indeed scary, because we may
be doing something as a daily routine that's eventually going to kill
us. We may be eating too many vegetables, drinking too much soda or
watching too many talk shows.

Almost every week, a study published in a scientific journal receives so
much attention in the media, you'd think it has something to do with
Monica Lewinsky.

Some journals have turned into publicity machines, sending press kits to
every media outlet, eager to warn us about almost every act that brings
us pleasure. 

Peter Jennings and other network anchors seem to always be saying
something like: "According to a study in this month's New Mexico Journal
of Medicine, children who eat ice cream every day are more likely to
shoot their classmates."

Partly to boost circulation, journals are increasingly producing
lifestyle reports geared to the general public. This of course means
that scientists have to translate their reports into the language spoken
by normal people.

A few years ago, a report may have concluded that "the unremitting
ingestion of alcoholic intoxicants can undermine one's capacity to
cogitate."

Today, the conclusion is much simpler: "Drunks ain't too smart."

What exasperates people like me is that the studies often contradict
each other: Eggs are bad for you. On second thought, they're good for
you. No, wait a minute, they're bad for you, unless you have the good
sense to remove the shells and cook them.

The results of some studies are announced long before enough evidence
has been gathered. After studying 50 people willing to do anything for a
few bucks, a scientist draws a conclusion that scares everyone else to
death.

Given the recent trend, don't be surprised if scientific journals soon
publish studies proving that:

- The most effective way to prevent sexual harassment is to stop taking
baths. And also to stop visiting the White House.

- Fruit Loops are nutritious for children and won't make them loopy.

- Beef is indeed real food for real people who have real appetites and
are often real fat.

- Second-hand smoke is dangerous for your health, but not as dangerous
as second-hand underwear.

- The best way to lose weight is to avoid eating anything that tastes
good. In other words, limit your diet to foods like broccoli, fruit cake
and hay.

- Illiterate people are less likely to spread diseases, because they
don't take books into bathrooms.

- The most effective way to fight dandruff is to shave your head.

- Using Rogaine can occasionally improve your sex life, but Viagra has
no effect whatsoever on baldness.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Melvin Durai is a humor columnist at the Chambersburg, Pa., Public
Opinion. Write to mdurai@mail.cvn.net or 77 N. Third St., Chambersburg,
Pa. 17201. Read previous columns at http://www.cvn.net/~mdurai


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