The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.com
)
Wed, 29 Mar 2000 21:12:55 +0100
The Loony Bin - http://loonies.net800.co.uk/
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Martin Wheatley is looking to employ some IT staff...requirements are as
follows...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
*********THE LOONY BIN****loonies@bloodaxe.com*********
*** ***
*** Archive: http://loonies.net800.co.uk/ ***
*** ***
************ANDROMEDA******Internet Goddess************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
Contractors Required
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
E-commerce consultants. (3 months, extendable to 12 years)
Experience in e-commerce not required. The successful applicant will
have no experience of any of the following: commerce, computers, the
internet, good taste. A lack of design skills and a fixation with style
over content will also be important. You should have current experience
in gross over-charging and hoodwinking scrupulous clients. You will work
with a bunch of other opinionated irritating w*nkers, constructing a
series of web-pages with as many 'broken links' and loose ends as time
and money allow.
Bullshitter (3 month contract)
Bullshitter required. You will have at least three years experience of
doing jobs for which you have no skill or aptitude, ideally in a Unix
environment. Skills to include bullshit, ideally to politician level,
and waffle in a technical capacity. Arse-covering skills will be an
advantage. CBE (Certified Bullshit Engineer) qualification essential.
Liar (6 month contract)
You will be working for a prestigious, high-profile company. You must be
able to claim a degree with first-class honours, preferably from Oxford
or Cambridge, and own a car which (although impressive) does not
actually exist. You will also be required to make up stories or
explanations on the hop, so experience of police work will be considered
favourably. Ties and/or certificates are provided to add convincing
'colour' to the successful applicant's statements.
Unix Guru (Rolling one month requirement)
Candidates must have at least three of the following qualities: (1) a
stupid and unusual hairstyle with goatee beard; (2) fashion taste which
stopped somewhere in the mid-60's; (3) a lifestyle quite unlike anyone
else; or (4) a habit of wearing sandals with or without socks. The ideal
applicant will also have a Californian accent. Unix experience not
essential, but some keyboard skills may be useful.
Inexperienced timewaster wanted - urgent contract.
Candidates (under 21 years of age) must be able to fill out at least six
pages of a C.V. with claims of experience and knowledge totalling a
minimum of 150 years. In addition, they must also be able to claim
involvement with hobbies which nobody in their right mind could possibly
fit into a lifestyle which included, for example, sleeping or eating.
The successful applicant will have no real skills in any category
whatsoever, but candidates will be considered providing they do not know
anything about C++ programming or Project Management.
Destruct testers required. (3 month contract, extendable to 6 months)
Clumsy, careless oafs of a naturally foolish nature must demonstrate
their ineptitude with several, briefly-held, positions. The successful
candidate will be asked to break something during the interview,
preferably in a way which the interviewer will never have thought
possible or remotely likely.
Scapegoats. (One month contract with bonus on completion.)
Conscientious and hardworking individual. Experienced in customer
support and maintenance, you will have several demonstrable skills which
can be used to show why the interviewers were right to employ you,
coupled with a complete lack of awareness regarding arse-covering. You
will work with a close-knit team of temporary contractors and will
travel from project to project tasked with the job of tidying up the
loose ends to ensure customer acceptance and satisfaction.
Timewasters, timewasters, timewasters.
Six timewasters are required for an urgent contract in the Far-East of
Scotland, to start immediately. Skills must include six months coffee
machine, three months photocopying and general administration and a
minimum of one year 'between assignments'.
Unskilled slapheads required for six month contract.
Must have own suit (preferably brown). Own desk, and hatstand is
provided for suitable applicants. Lazy good-for-nothing with multiple
chronic illnesses sought to assist busy, interfering manager. Must be
idle and shiftless. A bad memory and/or dyslexia will be advantageous.
Noxious beancounter required.
Must interfere constantly and construct meaningless lists of serial
numbers and other pointless documentation. Numeracy/Literacy not a
requirement, but an interest in trainspotting is essential. Bad-breath
and BO advantageous. Contract is for an initial three months and may be
extended indefinitely.
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