Tech Support...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.com )
Wed, 28 Jul 1999 23:13:14 +0100


Hiya All...

Here is some familiar advice from tech support...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx

*********THE LOONY BIN****loonies@bloodaxe.com*********
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***      Archive: http://loonies.net800.co.uk/      ***
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************ANDROMEDA******Internet Goddess************

  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------


A Few Words From Tech Support

Sound at all familiar??

 1. Don't write anything down. We can play back the error messages from 
    here.

 2. When a tech says he's coming right over, go for coffee. It's nothing 
    to us to remember 481 screen saver passwords.
 
 3. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it 
    buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed 
    animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don't 
    have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting 
    glimpse of yours.
 
 4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping 
    you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into 
    your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
 
 5. Don't put your phone extension in your emails to the help desk. We 
    need to keep an eye on the address book performance.
 
 6. When tech support sends you an email with high importance, delete it 
    at once. We're just testing the public groups.
 
 7. When a tech is eating lunch in his cube, walk right in and spill 
    your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
 
 8. When a tech is having a smoke outside, ask him a computer question. 
    The only reason why we smoke at all is to ferret out those clients 
    who don't have email or a telephone line.
 
 9. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and 
    flags it as a rush delivery.
 
10. When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual 
    greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message 
    and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the 
    director because no one ever returned your call. After all, you're 
    entitled to common courtesy.

11. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's 
    electronics in it.

12. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer 
    support. We can fix your line from here.

13. When you have a dozen CGA monitors to get rid of, call computer 
    support. We're collectors.

14. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech's chair 
    with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We 
    love a puzzle.

15. If you hate your mouse, get some other pointing device and discard 
    the manual. We know all the keyboard accelerators.

16. When a tech tells you that computer monitors don't have cartridges 
    in them, argue. We love a good argument.

17. When you get a message about insufficient disk space, delete 
    everything in the Windows directory. It's nothing but trouble 
    anyway.

18. When you get a message about a hard disk controller failure, and 
    then you reboot and it looks okay, don't call tech support. We'd 
    much rather troubleshoot it when it's dead as a doornail.

19. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a 
    setting, read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to do 
    anything. We just love to hear ourselves talk.

20. When a tech tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a 
    scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by 
    shortly?" That'll get us going.

21. If you have a 14-inch monitor that says VGA on it, set the display 
    to true color, 1024 x 768. You'll never again have to worry about 
    people reading confidential files over your shoulder.

22. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother. 
    We'll be there to hold your hand after it's done.

23. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. 
    Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

24. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to 
    all 68 printers in the building. One of them is bound to work.

25. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly 
    what you mean by "my thingy's outta whack".

26. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.

27. If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go 
    around and update the network drivers for your all your co-workers. 
    We're grateful for the overtime money.

28. When a tech makes popcorn, help yourself while he's checking out 
    your access rights. And we keep chocolate in the top drawer, too.

29. When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past noon, 
    eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.

30. Don't ever thank us. We're getting paid for this.

31. If you're an intern, feel free to bring in all your friends from 
    college and have your Daddy complain to our boss when we won't let 
    them use the scanner. We had no friends when we were in college; 
    that's why we're such a bunch of tight-assed little twerps.

32. When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on 
    this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your 
    computer.

33. When a tech finds the AOL shortcuts in your Recycle Bin, tell him 
    you've never seen those before. We couldn't tell bullshit if it 
    kicked us in the face.

34. If you have NT, feel free to change the local administrator's 
    password to "blowjob" and promptly forget it. We like installing NT.

35. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your 
    dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables 
    were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.

36. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail 
    upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of 
    muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

37. When you receive the new Yanni CD for your birthday, shove it into 
    any slot on the front of your computer. We like getting physical 
    with 5.25 floppy drives.

38. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?", click on that Yes 
    button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't 
    be doing it, would you?

39. When you find a tech on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on 
    the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't 
    have any money to speak of anyway.

40. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about 
    that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of 
    professional expertise referred to as crap.

41. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support.  
    Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and 
    Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a 
    professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

42. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call tech 
    support. Due to budget restrictions, we double as 411.

43. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call tech 
    support. We love to hack.

44. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary 
    to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with 
    a third party who doesn't know jack shit about the problem.

45. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a mail 
    attachment. We got lots of disk space on that mail server.

46. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller 
    chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the 
    queue.

47. When your eyes fall on the family pictures on a tech's desk, exclaim 
    in a flabbergasted tone of voice: "YOU have a child?!?" We need to 
    be reminded of how lucky we were to ever have gotten laid.

48. When a tech gets on the elevator pushing 15,000 kilograms worth of 
    computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, 
    you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one 
    that cracks us up no end.

49. When the Finance folks are printing a 100-page spreadsheet on the 
    LaserJet, send your black and white print job to the color printer. 
    We get the black toner for free.

50. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire department. 
    People out in Yellowknife like to keep abreast of what's going on.

51. When you bump into a tech at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a 
    computer question. We don't do weekends.

52. When you see a tech having a beer with a member of the opposite sex 
    on a Friday night, walk right up to them and ask a computer 
    question. We don't do dating; the reason why we have that horny look 
    on our faces is because we're discussing the new Intel processor.

53. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. 
    Computer names are just a cosmetic feature in NT 4.0; they won't be 
    doing anything useful until the next major release.

54. When you can't access some shared directory on your boss's machine, 
    just tell us that you've lost your X: drive. We know all that shit 
    by heart.

55. If you need to buy a computer for your daughter in college, feel 
    free to pick our brains while we're taking a leak. We're good at 
    talking shop with our dicks in our hands.

56. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on 
    the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be 
    there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your 
    Access 95 database flip out.

57. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, 
    leave the documentation at home. We'll find the jumper settings on 
    the Internet.

58. We're aware of that problem with computers just sitting there and 
    not doing anything. We're confident that with the next service pack 
    they'll be able to dance the jig.

59. The correct location to store important files is the Recycle Bin. 
    It's just like a real office, where you keep your tax receipts in 
    the blue can under your desk.

60. If you curse every morning when you start to type your password and 
    the Virus Shield splash screen pops up in your face, disable the 
    Virus Shield. Again, this is just like real life: if you don't like 
    condoms, just don't use them, that's all.

61. If you hate PCs, get on the Internet and download one of those 
    desktop enhancements that make your computer look just like a Mac, 
    down to the sad faces replacing verbose error messages. We find it 
    refreshing to troubleshoot the nuances in that sad little face 
    instead of some cold forbidding hexadecimal integer.

62. When you detect a French accent in a tech's voice, switch to French. 
    We don't mind that your level of fluency is that of a mildly 
    retarded 4-year-old; you don't make a whole lot of sense in your own 
    mother tongue either.

63. We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful twits. It 
    hurts our feelings that you could even think such a thing. We wish  
    to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of clueless losers 
    portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely 
    possible.

64. Have you ever wondered what Tech Support does while you are on hold?
    Think about how long it takes to write a 64 point memo!



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