Keys to Business Success...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.com )
Wed, 28 Jul 1999 13:36:39 +0100


Hiya People...

Here's how to make a success of yourself in business...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx

*********THE LOONY BIN****loonies@bloodaxe.com*********
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************ANDROMEDA******Internet Goddess************

  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------


Keys to Business Success

1.  Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People
with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading
for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like
they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their
hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure
you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the
false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2.  Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks
like work to the casual observer.  You can send and receive personal e-
mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing
anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal
benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but
they're not bad either.
When you get caught by your boss - and you will get caught - your best
defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software,
thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a
self-starter.
Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss
scurry away like a frightened salamander.

3.  Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the
rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge
piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's
work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them
high and wide.
If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll
need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she
arrives.

4.  Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People
don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing
- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's the way to
live.
Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice
mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during
lunch hour. That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even though
you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of
screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there,
this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a
solution that doesn't involve you.
The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last
message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the
number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit
frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages.
If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will
hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" - a
sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.


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