Darwin Awards...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.com )
Tue, 29 Jun 1999 02:21:33 +0100


The Loony Bin - http://loonies.net800.co.uk/

Hiya All...

More nominations for the Darwin Awards...these come from Len...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx

*********THE LOONY BIN****loonies@bloodaxe.com*********
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************ANDROMEDA******Internet Goddess************

  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------


1999 DARWIN AWARDS: The first candidate!

Already, the first candidate for the 1999 Darwin Awards is circulating 
on the Net. The Darwin Awards are annually bestowed upon (the remains
of) individuals who have given their all in an effort to improve our
gene pool.

The Darwin Awards applaud those who have made the ultimate sacrifice of
killing themselves by the most extraordinarily stupid means. The Awards
commemorate those who find innovatively moronic ways of killing
themselves, thereby helping to eliminate undesirable weaknesses from the
human gene pool.

And so, without further ado, the first candidate for '99:

MAN DIES IN FREAK ACCIDENT CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. (Nov. 13)

A 39-year-old Charlottesville man died Thursday in a freak accident
involving his washing machine. According to ice reports, Samuel Randolph
Strickson was doing laundry when he tried to speed up the process.
Strickson apparently tried to stuff approximately 50 pounds of laundry
into his washing machine by climbing on top of the washer and attempting
to force the clothing into the basin. Strickson then apparently
accidentally kicked the washing machine's ON button. When the machine
turned on, Strickson lost his balance and both feet went down into the
machine, where they got stuck. The machine started its cycle, and
Strickson, unable to free himself, started thrashing around as the
machine's agitator went into gear.

Strickson's head banged against a nearby shelf in the laundry room,
knocking over a bottle of bleach, which poured over Strickson's face,
blinding him. Forensic reports say Strickson apparently also swallowed
some of the bleach. He then vomited, but was still unable to free
himself.

Strickson's dog, then apparently came into the laundry room. At about
the same time, according to police, a large box of baking soda fell from
the shelf, startling the dog, who then urinated. Urine, like vinegar, is
acidic, and the chemical reaction between the urine and the baking soda
resulted in "a small explosion," according to police reports.

The dog, however, escaped unharmed. Strickson remained stuck in the
washing machine, which eventually went into its high-speed spin cycle,
spinning Strickson round at about 70 miles per hour, according to
forensic experts.

Strickson's head then smashed against a steel beam behind the washing
machine, immediately killing him. A neighbour heard the commotion and
called 911, but Strickson was pronounced dead at the scene.


GRAVITY KILLS

A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use
occy straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee
jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said.

Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a
bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored
the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped...and hit 
the pavement.

Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia 
was alone because his car was found nearby. 

"The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the
distance between the trestle and the ground." Carmichael said.  

Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma."  An autopsy
is scheduled for later in the week.


LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY ...

Three young men visiting Oklahoma were enjoying the coming Fourth of
July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their
only real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements
were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage
tank.

Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for
miles and miles. They were launched, no doubt, countless thousands of
feet into the air and were found dead 50 yards from their respective
seats.


DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT...

A lawyer [!] and two of his buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas.
A lightning storm hit the lake and most of the fisherman immediately
headed for the shore. But not our friend the lawyer. He was alone on the
rear of his aluminium bass boat and his buddies were in the front.

This gentleman stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion style) and
shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!"

Needless to say, God delivered [well, you would, wouldn't you?]. The 
other two passengers on the boat survived and are said to have
immediately joined the Ministry.


CATCH!

A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but
there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a 
friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what
happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate) was
hospitalised.


THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU . . .

Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies
nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by
his cell phone...more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and
talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his
neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at
the same time.


GIMME A LIGHT!

Several years ago, in a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized
warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the
building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition-lights, power,
etc.

After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas
company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had
difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the
lights worked.

Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching
into his pocket, and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon
operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded,
sending pieces of it up to three miles away.

Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually
untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing
the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.


Runner-Up:

Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position
yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a
group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Demuth went overboard to
show them one of America's many marvels.

He demonstrated the effectiveness of "Crazy Glue"...the hard way.
Apparently, Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was,
so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and
jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino.

The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not
initially startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its
arrival as a baby.  However, once it became aware of its being
involuntarily stuck to Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the
petting area wildly making Demuth an unintended passenger.

"Sally (the rhino) hasn't been feeling well lately. She had been very
constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to
relax her bowels, when Demuth played his juvenile prank," said James
Douglass, caretaker.

During Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored 
and a number of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three 
pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a
team of medics and zoo caretakers over four hours to remove his hands
from the rhino's buttocks. 

First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down. However, during
this process the laxatives began to take hold and Demuth was repeatedly
showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhoea.

"It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield 
our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that 
Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she was under control, we had
three people with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr.
Demuth.

We were able to tranquillise her and apply a solvent to remove his hands
from her rear." said Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing with
Crazy Glue for a while." 

Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed
with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my children,
but of course they can't take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir
Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.


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