Not Too Likely...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.com )
Sat, 20 Mar 1999 03:33:34 +0000 

The Loony Bin - http://loonies.net800.co.uk/

Hiya All...

This is inverted boasting made into an art form...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx

*********THE LOONY BIN****loonies@bloodaxe.com*********
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***      Archive: http://loonies.net800.co.uk/      ***
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************ANDROMEDA******Internet Goddess************

  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------

Not Too Likely...


Right! I run System V on my VIC-20!
 
Hmmmm...well, I am getting SVR4 for my HP 48SX.....
 
HA! _I'm_ just finishing up a port of VMS for my Timex Sinclair! Top
THAT!
 
I'm running NextStep on Atari 2600 Video Game system.
 
Just last night I was able to get Windows to boot on my Sears PONG game.
 
I am replying to this message with my built-in VAX Mailer on my GameBoy.

I just installed a 23.6 Gigabyte Drive to handle all the replies!
However, it only runs at 230,000 Baud due to the large drive slowing it
down.
 
I fear I will not be getting news any longer... The batteries on my
calculator-watch are running out.
 
My calculator-watch is solar... And if I turned off the lights, NO ONE
would be getting news...
 
Feh. I'm so slick NASA just awarded ME the TERADATA contract to run on
my TV remote! They liked my proposal mainly because I'm ALSO able to
shoehorn in the TEXAS SUPERCOLLIDER computations between commercials!
Beat THAT!
 
Well, well, well. SSC calculations, huh. I built a system out of 2
inches of wire, 3 pennies and a AA battery that does realtime
calculations of particle vectors during the Big Bang. A complete
simulation of the first 2 years of the life of the universe, accurate to
the theoretical limit, takes about 5 seconds.
 
And you guys think you are so great. I just spent the last half hour
getting X11 to run on my slide rule. I am still having problems
connecting it to the net around here, but I would welcome any
suggestions.
 
So what!!! I'm running Xinitrc, TWMRC, Internet, and 27 muds off of a
paperclip. Not to mention the fact that I am designing a new form of
television with 7000 pixels based off a piece of tissue paper. Next!!!
 
Man, that's baby stuff. I'm running a particle accelerator utilizing
matter-antimatter reactions in my doorknob, and calculating everything
in the fourth dimension using a single dip switch and a large glass of
water.
 
Child's play, I have an old piece of cheese that is, at this very
moment, raytracing an actual model of the universe five hours from now,
while at the same time calculating the heat produced from the new intel
Pentium.
 
And you people think that you are hackers! I'm currently engaged in a
project which involves simultaneous simulation of multiple universes (To
see what would happen if various constants change. Pi=8.4 is an
interesting one.) My hardware consists of a single wooden pencil (no
paper). With it, I can do real-time simulations of 2^32 universes in
parallel.
 
You guys are wimps!! I've just finished converting a microwave oven into
a paradimensional teleportation device. The only problem I'm having so
far is that my breakfast bagel keeps disappearing!! May have to eat it
raw . . .
 
Sorry, that's my fault. I'm afraid that the high-energy laser-pumped
negentropic vortex generator I made from my own nostril hair, which is
currently cranking out entire new universes at the rate of 7.6 per
picosecond, was breaking the FCC emissions limits and gronking your
microwave's control panel. It should work properly now. Also, my cat
Arthur was FTPing hundreds of terabytes of PD software from Epsilon
Eridani in the year 4741 A.D. over the faster-than-light Ethernet
interface I built for him, and this may have been loading the Net a
little yesterday. My sincere apologies to everyone who noticed any
performance degradation.

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