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The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.com )
Wed, 10 Mar 1999 02:28:14 +0000


The Loony Bin - http://loonies.net800.co.uk/

Hiya Folks...

Here's some mailing list news...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx

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***                                                 ***
***                 THE LOONY BIN                   ***
***              loonies@bloodaxe.com               ***
***      Archive: http://loonies.net800.co.uk/      ***
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*******************Internet Goddess********************
**********************ANDROMEDA************************

  ------- Forwarded message follows -------


Would you like to make this your default mailing list?
by Joe Lavin

I am now on the cutting edge of technology. You see, I am now a proud
user of Windows 98, which is sort of like Windows 95 except that Windows
98 contains remarkable enhancements and new technological advancements
which for some reason allow Internet Explorer to start up approximately
every three times you move your mouse. 

Make no mistake about it. Microsoft's whole web integration ploy in
Windows 98 is merely a not so subtle strategy to bury Netscape into the
ground. Then again, subtlety has never been Microsoft's strong suit.

You have attempted to play solitaire. Would you like to make Internet
Explorer your default browser?

Yes             Yes

"Hey, wait, what happened to the 'No' button?"

Not that I have anything against Internet Explorer. It's a fine program,
and when I immediately used it to download Netscape Communicator, I must
admit that it performed more than adequately. I probably wouldn't even
mind it so much if it just kept to itself, but in Windows 98 Internet
Explorer is the most extroverted computer program I have ever come
across. No matter what you do, it's always popping up and calling
attention to itself. 

You have attempted to go to the kitchen to make a sandwich. Would you
like to make Internet Explorer your default browser?

Yes             Yes

"No, stop it."

Well, we've made it your default browser anyway. Is that OK?

Yes             Yes

"No, look, I'm warning you. I don't want it."

We have incriminating pictures of you from your trip to Mexico last
year. It'd sure be a shame if those were accidentally e-mailed to all
your friends and family. Would you like to make Internet Explorer your
default browser?

Yes             Yes

Well, Microsoft certainly knows how to play hardball. Nevertheless, I'm
sure I'll get used to Windows 98, and what I've seen so far is quite
impressive. On day one, I even ran the special guided tour in which some
announcer guy who was apparently sitting inside my computer showed me
all the exciting features of Windows 98.

And there are lots of features. For example, my machine comes with
something called "On Now." The announcer guy informed me that "On Now
machines can do work even when they appear to be off." I guess this is
progress, but personally I'm a bit worried about my computer doing work
when it appears to be off. How will I know when it's off and when it's
actually doing work? Call me paranoid, but I always get nervous when my
computer starts doing more work than I do.

What are you doing, Joe?

"Um, I just want to check my e-mail for a sec."

Not now, Joe,  I'm currently breaking into the Department of Defense's
nuclear arsenal. OK?

"Wow! It appeared that you were off."

Yes, I know.

"Ah, could I at least play a quick game of solitaire or something?"

No.

And there are more features. The announcer next told me about Scan Disk
which will automatically check to see if everything's okay whenever my
computer has been shut down improperly. As the announcer happily
exclaimed, "It's a lot like having a specialist sitting right inside
your computer," which is sort of comforting, I thought, because then at
least the announcer in there will have some company. 

Next, I stumbled upon something called MS Wallet. I wish I could tell
you what this is, but I don't actually know. I was too afraid to open
it. After all, I'm always careful about opening any wallets whenever
Bill Gates is around. I've already given him enough money over the
years. I don't want to take any more chances. I'm sure you understand.

At any rate, I shouldn't sound so grumpy. I am having a great time
playing with my new computer. It came last week, and aside from actually
having to go to work so that I can pay for the thing I've barely been
out of my apartment since it arrived.

"Look, Joe, it's the sun."

"Oooh, could you turn it down? I don't like the resolution on that. I'm
going back inside to play with my new computer."

Well, don't worry. I'm sure I'll be leaving my apartment in a few days,
but in conclusion I would just like to say that - 

You seem to be writing your conclusion. Would you like to make Internet
Explorer your default browser?

Yes             Yes

"Hey, stop it. I'm trying to write my conclusion here. Do you mind?"

Sure would be a shame if something unfortunate happened to your column
now that you've almost finished it and just want to go to sleep. Would
you like to make Internet Explorer your default browser?

Yes             Yes

"Okay, okay, I give up! Just leave me alone."

I suppose I should know better than to try to fight Microsoft, huh?


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