The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.com
)
Sun, 10 Jan 1999 12:23:55 +0000
The Loony Bin - http://loonies.net800.co.uk/
Hiya People...
Don't complain to me about these if you are offended...you've been
warned...!!!
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
*******************************************************
*******************************************************
*** ***
*** THE LOONY BIN ***
*** loonies@bloodaxe.com ***
*** Archive: http://loonies.net800.co.uk/ ***
*** ***
*******************Internet Goddess********************
**********************ANDROMEDA************************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
[These vary from daft through diabolical to absolutely abysmal. I take
no responsibility for any of them. The 'Tah, rah, rah, boom-dee-ayee'
one reminds me of one we used to sing when I was about 13 - but ours
wasn't as respectable! - A]
WHY IS EATING PUSSY LIKE DEALING WITH THE MAFIA?
ONE SLIP OF THE TONGUE AND YOU'RE IN DEEP SHIT!
WHICH ONE DOESN'T BELONG?
1) WIFE
2) MEAT
3) CLOCK
4) BLOW-JOB
IT'S #4 BECAUSE...
YOU CAN BEAT YOUR WIFE, YOU CAN BEAT YOUR MEAT, AND YOU CAN BEAT THE
CLOCK......BUT YOU CANT BEAT A BLOW JOB!
WHY CAN WOMEN ONLY GO 68 MPH ON THE HIGHWAY?
BECAUSE AT 69 THEY BLOW A ROD!
HOW DO YOU TELL IF YOU'VE HAD A REALLY GOOD NIGHT OF ORAL SEX?
YOU WAKE UP WITH A LUMP IN YOUR THROAT AND A STRING HANGING OUT OF YOUR
MOUTH.
WHY DID THE PERVERT CROSS THE ROAD?
BECAUSE HE WAS STUCK TO A CHICKEN
Why did god invent booze?
..........so fat ugly chicks could get laid too.
What is the difference between a 6 and a 10?
..........about 6 beers.
What did Adam say to Eve the first time they had sex?
..........Stand back I don't know how big it gets!
WHAT DO YOU CALL A HOOKER WITH NO LEGS?
A NIGHTCRAWLER!
How do you get a Mexican pregnant?
Come on her feet and let the flies do the rest!!
Where do they get virgin wool?
. . . Ugly sheep.
Did you hear about the pussy cookie?
. . . You take too big a bite, it tastes like shit.
Do you know why Congress is trying to keep women from swimming in the
oceans?
. . . They can't get the smell off the fish.
Know what an "11" is?
. . . A "10" who doesn't get headaches.
Know the difference between pussy and parsley?
. . . Nobody eats parsley.
You know a woman is really macho when she kickstarts her vibrator.
.... or rolls her own tampons.
Why do women like to play PacMan? . . . It's the only way they know of
to get eaten three times for a quarter.
Why do men like to play Pinball?
. . . It's the only way they can get five balls for a quarter.
What's the difference between "kinky" and "erotic?"
. . . With "kinky" you use the whole chicken.
What do you get if you cross a nun with a computer?
A system that won't go down.
Why would you want to wrap your hamster in duct tape?
So it won't explode when you fuck it.
Know what is the square root of 69?
Ate something.
A nymphomaniac is a girl who likes every man to be in different.
Why do women have legs?
So they don't leave snail tracks on linoleum floors.
Where are an elephants sex organs?
In his feet - if he steps on you, you're fucked!
WHAT'S RED & HAS SEVEN LITTLE DENTS?
SNOW WHITE'S CHERRY!
What do a nun and Seven-Up have in common?
"Never had it, never will."
Do you know how to get a cross-eyed girl pregnant?
Why fuck her, of course!
WHAT ARE THE FIVE REASONS FOR NOT WANTING TO BE AN EGG
1.YOU ONLY GET LAID ONCE.
2.YOU ONLY GET EATEN ONCE.
3.IT TAKES YOU SEVEN MIN. TO GET HARD IN BOILING WATER.
4.YOU HAVE TO COME IN A BOX WITH 11 OTHER GUYS.
5.THE ONLY ONE THAT EVER SITS ON YOUR FACE IS YOUR MOTHER.
WHY DID GOD CREATE WOMEN?
........SHEEP CAN'T COOK.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE AND HERPES?
.......HERPES LASTS FOREVER.
WHAT DO YOU CALL A TRUCKLOAD OF VIBRATORS?
TOYS FOR TWATS.
WHY DOES AN ELEPHANT HAVE FOUR FEET?
BECAUSE 8 INCHES ISN'T ENOUGH
WHAT DO SOY BEANS AND DILDOS HAVE IN COMMON?
BOTH ARE MEAT SUBSTITUTES.
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CHICKEN AND MEAT?
IF YOU BEAT YOUR CHICKEN IT WOULD DIE.
WHY DON'T CHICKENS WEAR UNDERWEAR?
BECAUSE THEIR PECKERS ARE ON THEIR FACE.
What did the blind man say as he walked past the fish market?
"Morning Ladies!"
A GIRL WAS COMING HOME FROM A DATE. HER MOTHER HAD WAITED UP FOR
HER, AND WHEN THE GIRL WALKED IN THE DOOR, THE MOTHER NOTICED SHE
HAD RICE IN HER HAIR. ANNE, SHE SAID YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU WERE
GOING TO A WEDDING. I DIDN'T MOTHER, ANNE REPLIED. I WAS GIVING
A BLOW JOB TO A CHINAMAN AND HE THREW UP ALL OVER ME.....
Two young starlets are discussing the sessions they have just had with
the movie producer.
"Did he give you a good part?" asks one.
"No he did not!" replies the other. "Why he made me such a ridiculous
offer, I just laughed right in his balls."
Tah, rah, rah, boom-dee-ayee,
Have you had yours today?
I got mine yesterday,
With the guy across the way
He paid me ninety cents
To go behind the fence
He pulled my panties down
And laid me on the ground
He shouted, "one, two, three,"
And stuck it into me,
Won't mommy be surprised,
When she sees my tummy rise!
Oh, husband, dear husband I tremble with fear,
you've been on the night shift for over a year.
And since you are gone all thru the nite,
A real piece of ass seems way out of sight.
Oh husband, dear husband, stop being a fool,
Working the night shift is wasting your tool.
Its far better to be hungry the rest of your life
than to bring home a dead pecker to your hot naked wife!
I have always been happy, your little queen,
but now when its nite, you're nowhere to be seen!
You come home in the morning barely to creep,
I feel like fucking, you want to sleep!!!
Each morning, dear husband, when you flop into bed
Your intentions are good, but your pecker is dead!
Though I have pleaded with you with tears in my eyes
And fondled it gently, that damned thing won't rise!
So, I'll get a man who works through the day,
Then at night while you're gone, I'll proceed to make hay!
For in all this world, there is only one sin,
For which there's no pardon, nor ever has been.
And that's of a man who is foolish and mean,
Who gives up his fucking to fix a machine!!!!!!!
A nun goes into a doctor's office, worried that she has crabs. After
a short exam, the doctor says he has some good news and some bad news.
"The good news," he says, "is that you don't have crabs. The bad news is
that your cherry is so old, it has fruit flies."
A WOMAN WENT TO A PODIATRIST WITH A COMPLAINT THAT HER FEET ALWAYS HURT.
HE IMMEDIATELY NOTICED THAT SHE WAS EXTREMELY BOWLEGGED. HE ASKED HER IF
SHE HAD ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY?? NO SHE SAID, NOT UNTIL RECENTLY. I'VE
BEEN FUCKING A LOT DOGGIE STYLE. WELL HE SAID, YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO
STOP. I CAN'T SHE REPLIED, THAT'S THE ONLY WAY MY GERMAN SHEPHERD
FUCKS.
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