Thoughts for today (part 4)...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.com )
Mon, 7 Sep 1998 11:25:21 +0100


The Loony Bin - http://loonies.net800.co.uk/

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Hiya People...

Here's the fourth part of Alan's thoughts for the day...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx

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  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always
ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?"  She said if she told me, it would defeat
the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are
they all still working?

Just because I'm famous doesn't mean I have to take any crap.
      - Charles Barkley, after punching a man in a nightclub

My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character,
but then I realized that I had no character.
  - Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself 
      "the Charles Barkley of figure skating"

If a tree falls in the middle of the woods, and no one is there
to hear it, see if it left a note.

It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
         - Phil White

Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
              - Voltaire

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them
that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

To err is human, to moo bovine.

Anyone attempting to generate random numbers by deterministic
means is, of course, living in a state of sin.
            - John Von Neumann

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I
predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some
vile disease".  
Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace
your principles or your mistress."

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-
known quotations.
                        -H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare

Our computer has never had an undetected error.
           - Weisert

Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.

Conway's Law:
        In any organization there will always be one person who 
        knows what is going on. This person must be fired.

Hanlon's Razor:
        Never attribute to Malice that which is adequately 
        explained by stupidity.

It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: "This isn't
right. This isn't even wrong."
                   - Wolfgang Pauli

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent,
they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like
to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be
left alone and sleep.

Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:
        Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises 
        shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal 
        leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding
bureaucracy.

What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?
                - Doctor Who

While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very
reassuring to know that it's there.

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't work.
                 - Gallagher

Wagner's music is better then it sounds.
                - Mark Twain

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an
atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is
it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in
whom you don't believe?"
                - Quentin Crisp

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life
without even considering if there are men on base.
                 - Dave Barry

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I
don't like and give her my house.
                 - Lewis Grizzard

2 + 2 = 4 (for the time being).
2 + 2 = 5 (for sufficently large values of 2)

A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.

All generalizations are bad.

All stressed out, and no one to choke...

As a matter of fact, no, I don't have a life.

Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise

Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?

Do NOT look into laser with remaining eyeball!

Do fish get thirsty?

Hard work must have killed someone!

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Life would be easier if I had the source code.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending
machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines
don't sell quiche.

Computer Science is not about computers, any more than astronomy
is about telescopes.
                     - Edgar Dijkstra

A distributed system is one in which the failure of a computer
you didn't even know existed can render your own computer
unusable.
        - Leslie Lamport, as quoted in CACM, June 1992

By accepting you as you are, I do not necessarily abandon all
hope of your improving.
          - Ashleigh Brilliant

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
             - Ashleigh Brilliant

Don't be afraid - I'm right behind you using you for a shield.
          - Ashleigh Brilliant

The universe is an island, surrounded by whatever it is that
surrounds universes.
           - Ashleigh Brilliant

If everything is part of a whole, what is the whole part of?
          - Ashleigh Brilliant

It's my idea! I stole it first!
           - Ashleigh Brilliant


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