The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.com
)
Mon, 7 Sep 1998 11:25:21 +0100
The Loony Bin - http://loonies.net800.co.uk/ ----------------------------------------------------------------- Hiya People... Here's the fourth part of Alan's thoughts for the day... Wishes & Dreams... - ANDREA xx ******************************************************* ******************************************************* *** *** *** THE LOONY BIN *** *** loonies@bloodaxe.com *** *** Archive: http://loonies.net800.co.uk/ *** *** *** *******************Internet Goddess******************** **********************ANDROMEDA************************ ------- Forwarded foolishness follows ------- Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? Just because I'm famous doesn't mean I have to take any crap. - Charles Barkley, after punching a man in a nightclub My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character. - Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating" If a tree falls in the middle of the woods, and no one is there to hear it, see if it left a note. It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. - Phil White Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. - Voltaire People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. To err is human, to moo bovine. Anyone attempting to generate random numbers by deterministic means is, of course, living in a state of sin. - John Von Neumann Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress." After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well- known quotations. -H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare Our computer has never had an undetected error. - Weisert Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate. Conway's Law: In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired. Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to Malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: "This isn't right. This isn't even wrong." - Wolfgang Pauli I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London: Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat. The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy. What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it? - Doctor Who While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very reassuring to know that it's there. I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't work. - Gallagher Wagner's music is better then it sounds. - Mark Twain When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?" - Quentin Crisp If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. - Dave Barry Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her my house. - Lewis Grizzard 2 + 2 = 4 (for the time being). 2 + 2 = 5 (for sufficently large values of 2) A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs. All generalizations are bad. All stressed out, and no one to choke... As a matter of fact, no, I don't have a life. Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse? Do NOT look into laser with remaining eyeball! Do fish get thirsty? Hard work must have killed someone! How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Life would be easier if I had the source code. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche. Computer Science is not about computers, any more than astronomy is about telescopes. - Edgar Dijkstra A distributed system is one in which the failure of a computer you didn't even know existed can render your own computer unusable. - Leslie Lamport, as quoted in CACM, June 1992 By accepting you as you are, I do not necessarily abandon all hope of your improving. - Ashleigh Brilliant Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence. - Ashleigh Brilliant Don't be afraid - I'm right behind you using you for a shield. - Ashleigh Brilliant The universe is an island, surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes. - Ashleigh Brilliant If everything is part of a whole, what is the whole part of? - Ashleigh Brilliant It's my idea! I stole it first! - Ashleigh Brilliant ----------------------------------------------------------------- This message was sent via ListBot. 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