A Day at Macrosoft...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk )
Thu, 23 Oct 1997 13:39:01 -0400 (EDT)


Hiya Loonies...

Here's a piece on what a typical day is like at Macrosoft...sent in by
Alan...

Needless to say, any resemblance to an existing large behemoth of a
software company is purely coincedental...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx

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  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------

A TYPICAL DAY AT MACROSOFT

Hi.  My name is Sherman.  I work at Macrosoft.  I read something lately
that said Macrosoft was "the technological equivalent of a sweatshop"
and it bothered me.  I want to set the record straight so I decided to
record what I do on a typical day at work.  I hope this will clear
things up.  Thank you.

4:33 AM -- I woke up and put my pillow and blanket into the bottom
drawer of my desk.  Went down the hall for a double espresso but some
idiot had turned the machine off.  Had to settle for French Roast. 
Gordon stopped me on the way back to the office and asked if I would
crack his back.  He still hasn't gotten used to the floor.

4:38 AM -- Gordon's back cracked a little too loudly and he left for the
hospital to get checked out.  I am back at my desk checking my mail. 
Hmmm.... Wow!  There's a note here about the planning meeting for our
new product.  They've decided to call it Industry '99 because it will do
everything our other suite does plus put Federal Express, Charles
Schwab, and Nabisco out of business.  Kewl, dude!

4:41 AM -- Got another bloody nose.  I don't believe that damned
doctor.  There is no way caffeine can cause this.  Shit, out of
Kleenex.  Thank God for that medicine cabinet.

4:43 AM -- Just got back and am ready for work.  Boy, they keep putting
new stuff in that medicine cabinet.  Vivarin!  What will they think of
next.  A couple of those and that espresso machine can kiss my ass.

4:45 AM -- Started coding.  These hidden functions are tough.  I don't
know how they expect me to stop someone's modem lights from blinking
while we upload their life's history during registration.  Hmm.... maybe
a BIOS call to the serial driver.

5:01 AM -- Time for breakfast.  Damned microwave.  Even on defrost it
still makes the cream squirt right out of the Twinkies.  Well, at least
old Gordon's not here.  Yesterday he was so tweaked out on Jolt he set
it on high and the damned things exploded.  Boy was maintenance pissed
off.  Took em half an hour to scrape that shit off the inside of the
oven.  We will have a meeting on that one.

5:10 AM -- Ah, nothing like a good meal.  Burned my tongue though. 
Shit, it hurts.  Read the company newsletter while I was eating and it
mentioned that the wife changed her mind again on the layout of the
kitchen at Bill's new estate.  Damn, at the rate they're going they'll
move in on the same day he throws the switch and sends the ultimatum to
Washington.  Ooopps.  Maybe I shouldn't have said that.  That's a top
secret project.  Oh, well, now you know.

5:16 AM -- Went out to the Web with Exploder 7.0 Beta.  Just installed
it yesterday and it ate my hard drive.  They aren't sure if that bug
will be fixed.  Too close to shipping.  The plan is to blame it on
Quicken if anyone calls support.  PointCast is really hosed though and
that pisses me off.  Can't get my stock quotes.

5:22 AM -- Gordon called.  Says they've got him in a back brace. 
Promised to say he slipped in the game room while playing Asteroids so
he can get L&I.  He sounded a little pissed though.  Better not play
basketball with him anytime soon.

5:28 AM -- Damned contractor called in.  He says his father died.  Guess
I'll be testing today too.  Oh well, I'll throw in a few extra-nasty
bugs just for him to choke on next week.  Damned guys are spoiled.  They
only work 60 hours a week and cry like babies.

5:37 AM -- Cutting more code.  Damned DOA objects.  Never do what you
want.  Stupid thing just grabbed one of my dirty jpegs and slammed it
into the server in building 36.  Assholes don't even give me delete
rights.  Damn.  Better get over there and thrash it before the shit hits
the fan.

6:13 AM -- Just got back.  Shit, that was close.  I had to practically
sell my soul to get that picture deleted.  Lucky for me that Bob had to
go take a dump.  Only problem was he had just started the backup, so I
bumped into the tape to stop it and the frigging server went down.  Oh
well, he'll be so busy cleaning that shit up he won't have time to
figure out what happened.

6:22 AM -- Gordon called back.  His back is worse than they thought.  He
was leaving the hospital and had to go back.  He told them he slipped on
some dog shit that was out front and now they're worried he's going to
sue them.  They are admitting him for observation.

6:41 AM -- Jerry just got in.  God, he's such a prick.  His "Pammy" just
walked him to his desk, as always, and played tickle the tonsils with
him just for my benefit.  Damned contractors and their girlfriends. 
Think I'll call H.R. and see if this is sexual harassment.

7:19 AM -- Got another call from Gordon.  Apparently he has a ruptured
disc and is going into emergency surgery.

7:32 AM -- Got a note about a special meeting.  The loon that freaked
out yesterday screwed up the source code and we're gonna have to re-do
some stuff.  Be back later.

9:17 AM -- Boy, what a ball breaker.  That wacko really trashed the
project.  Apparently he checked out nearly all the modules and massacred
half the code.  They also mentioned that the backup was no good because
that moron Bob screwed it up this morning.  God smiles on me.

9:49 AM -- Finally got PointCast going and downloaded the news.  There's
another article about porno here at Macrosoft.  Uh-oh, better do some
clean up work.

10:13 AM -- Finished re-formatting my drive and am waiting for the
system to finish loading.  I took my zip drive down to the car and
tucked it away in the trunk.

10:27 AM -- Ah, espresso at last.  Just in time.  I have a spec meeting
in three minutes.

11:45 AM -- Another meeting from hell.  I don't know why they call them
specs.  You never actually see them until the project is done and off to
shipping.  I am going to lunch.

12:12 PM -- Got lunch.  Boy, this pizza is the best.  I don't know what
it is about the cheese though.  Looks a little like a dried booger. 
They finally got Jolt on tap in the cafeteria.  About damned time.

12:26 PM -- Finished lunch.  Went to take a dump but the line was too
long.  Gotta hold it a while longer.  Ran into Leslie in the hall and
she told me I looked nice.  Hmm... wonder what she wants.  Reminds me. 
Better call H.R. about the "lip lizards".

1:03 PM -- Called H.R. and talked to Rebecca.  She said I might have a
case for sexual harassment if Pammy-baby was making any eye contact with
me while they were face-fucking.  Suppose I could lie.  Bitch wants me
anyway, I can tell.

1:27 PM -- Finally got to take a shit.  Jeez, that was a frigging
sequoia.  Stuck up there any longer and they'd have to cut it in half
and count the rings to tell how old it was.

1:41 PM -- Jerry just left, glaring like the prick he is.  I think
Rebecca just nabbed his ass.  Ha!  Bite my prong you moron.

1:48 PM -- Jeez, I was getting grumpy.  Got a double latte.  That should
bring me down a little.  Gordon's wife left a message on my machine
saying that he is paralyzed from the neck down.  They think it's
permanent.  Just hope the bastard can't talk either.  I'm calling my
lawyer.

2:16 PM -- Rebecca called back and has her titties in a tizzy.  Seems
Jerry the Fairy took Pammy Eats My Hammy down to her office and
mentioned that little incident from last week.  I told her it wasn't
even close to a grope, more like a wedgie.  Oh, well, something else for
the lawyer.

2:29 PM -- Well gag me with a frigging spatula!  Another new guy. 
Damned contractors.  Make more money than us and have that innocent
look.  Bradford, huh.  That's your name?  Okay, you scrotum, the next
virus will be named after you.

2:52 PM -- Whew.  Went down to the car and took a shot of NyQuill.  Man,
I gotta come down a little.  Call the lawyer.  Call the lawyer.

3:20 PM -- Oh, Fuck!  Damned lawyer called me!  Gordon just croaked and
the cops want to talk to me at five.  Goddamned freaky bastard.  What
the hell did he think I was, a frigging chiropractor?

3:51 PM -- Damned nose is spewing blood like a fire hydrant.  Be back in
a minute.

4:16 PM -- Got the bleeding stopped but Janitorial is livid.  They say
the stain won't come out of the carpet but hell, it's already kind of
red.

4:58 PM -- Just got handed a notice to appear before the harassment
board on Monday.  Fucking Jerry.  I'll get him and that prissy-assed
bitch.

5:22 PM -- Ah, dinner.  At least the NyQuill is working a little.  These
pizza rolls are the greatest.  Gotta get me some next month when I go to
the store.

5:55 PM -- Cops showed up because I forgot to go see them.  Damned
Gestapo gave me the third degree.  The lawyer was already here because
Jerry filed a lawsuit and Gordon's wife is on her way over with a gun.

6:29 PM -- Man, what a day.  Gordon's wife was caught in the parking lot
but wouldn't leave until she was allowed to bitch me out.  They took me
downstairs and I faced her.  Then all hell broke loose when her dog
jumped out of their Jeep and attacked my groin.  Bitch must have had him
trained by some feminist group.  Just stopped in to get my jacket before
they take me over to the hospital.

8:51 PM -- Back at last.  Damned dog did some damage.  Five stitches and
some rabies shots.  I still don't know what the penicillin was all
about.  They didn't even have any real coffee there.  Gotta go get a
cup.

9:00 PM -- Cops just phoned.  I have to be at the courthouse tomorrow
morning for arraignment.  They said I should bring my attorney.  Ha, ha,
joke's on them.  We'll be there anyway dealing with Jerry and Pammy.

9:36 PM -- Got the virus finished and zapped it over to that new
asshole's system.  Have a nice breakfast, you dillweed.

9:58 PM -- Last code for the day.  I finished the new voice help
feature.  This is gonna be cool.  I fixed one section extra special.  If
you play it backwards it says "Pammy fucks the band".  God, technology
is great.

10:25 PM -- Talked to the lawyer.  He said I should bring extra clothes
tomorrow.

10:49 PM -- Shit!  Circuit breaker in the kitchen went out.  Nothing is
working.  Damn.  There was only one Jolt left.  Better make it last.

11:22 PM -- Couldn't find my porno mags.  I think Jerry got them.  God,
court is going to be a bitch.  Worse than last year.

11:43 PM -- Called mom.  She said I didn't get any mail.  No news is
good news, I guess.  She mentioned that my dog died last week.  Asked if
I would be home soon.

12:32 AM -- Well, I think the day is over.  I am going to crash if I can
find a bloodless spot on the floor.  Gotta set the computer to wake me
up early.  Big day tomorrow.  Goodnight.

Any similarities between this and any real company are intentionally
coincidental.


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