Real Programmers...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk )
Thu, 18 Sep 1997 09:32:28 -0400 (EDT)


Hiya Folks...

Here's more on Real Programmers...sent in by Alan...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx

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  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------

       The Real Programmer At Play

Generally, the Real Programmer plays the same way he works -- with
computers. He is constantly amazed that his employer actually pays him
to do what he would be doing for fun anyway (although he is careful not
to express this opinion out loud). Occasionally, the Real Programmer
does step out of the office for a breath of fresh air and a beer or two.
Some tips on recognizing real programmers away from the computer room:

       z At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in the corner
       talking about operating system security and how to get around it.

       z At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one comparing
       the plays against his simulations printed on 11 by 14 fanfold
       paper.

       z At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one drawing
       flowcharts in the sand.

       z A Real Programmer goes to discos to watch the light shows.

       z At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying "Poor
       George. And he almost had the sort routine working before the
       coronary."

       z In a grocery store, the Real Programmer is the one who
       insists on running the cans past the laser checkout scanner
       himself, because he never could trust keypunch operators to get
       it right the first time.

       The Real Programmer's Natural Habitat

       What sort of environment does the Real Programmer function best
       in? This is an important question for the managers of Real
       Programmers. Considering the amount of money it costs to keep
       one on the staff, it's best to put him (or her) in an
       environment where he can get his work done.

       The typical Real Programmer lives in front of a computer
       terminal. Surrounding this terminal are:

       z Listings of all programs the Real Programmer has ever worked
       on, piled in roughly chronological order on every flat surface
       in the office.

       z Some half-dozen or so partly filled cups of cold coffee.
       Occasionally, there will be cigarette butts floating in the
       coffee. In some cases, the cups will contain Orange Crush.

       z Unless he is very good, there will be copies of the OSJCL
       manual and the Principles of Operation open to some
       particularly interesting pages.

       z Taped to the wall is a line-printer Snoopy calender for the
       year 1969.

       z Strewn about the floor are several wrappers for peanut butter
       filled cheese bars -- the type that are made pre-stale at the
       bakery so they can't get any worse while waiting in the vending
       machine.

       z Hiding in the top left-hand drawer of the desk is a stash of
       double-stuff Oreos for special occasions.

       z Underneath the Oreos is a flow-charting template, left there
       by the previous occupant of the office. (Real Programmers write
       programs, not documentation. Leave that to the maintainence 
       people.)

       The Real Programmer is capable of working 30, 40, even 50 hours
       at a stretch, under intense pressure. In fact, he prefers it
       that way. Bad response time doesn't bother the Real Programmer
       -- it gives him a chance to catch a little sleep between
       compiles. If there is not enough schedule pressure on the Real
       Programmer, he tends to make things more challenging by working
       on some small but interesting part of the problem for the first
       nine weeks, then finishing the rest in the last week, in two or
       three 50-hour marathons. This not only inpresses the hell out
       of his manager, who was despairing of ever getting the project
       done on time, but creates a convenient excuse for not doing the
       documentation. In general:

       z No Real Programmer works 9 to 5. (Unless it's the ones at 
       night.)

       z Real Programmers don't wear neckties.

       z Real Programmers don't wear high heeled shoes.  [But you 
       *never* know!]

       z Real Programmers arrive at work in time for lunch.

       z A Real Programmer might or might not know his wife's name. He
       does, however, know the entire ASCII (and/or EBCDIC) code table.

       z Real Programmers don't know how to cook. Grocery stores
       aren't open at three in the morning.

       z Real Programmers survive on Twinkies and coffee.


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