The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Sun, 22 Dec 1996 22:02:04 +0000
Hiya Loonies...
Here's some advice on installing software...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
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*******************Internet Goddess********************
**********************ANDROMEDA************************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
"How To Install Software -- A 12-Step Program" by Dave Barry
(from his new book "Dave Barry In Cyberspace")
=======================================================
1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box
that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the
software.
It should look something like this:
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain
detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting
the software. Throw it away.
3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed
envelope that says:
LICENSING AGREEMENT:
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by
all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that
nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N.
Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent
Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions,
real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary
and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home
and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's
underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until
death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early
light, in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost,
finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great
crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.
4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of
child), please install this on my comptuer."
5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises* for a while, after which
the following message should appear on your screen:
The Installation Program will now examine your system to see
what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK
with you? Choose one, and be honest:
+-------+ +--------+
| YES | | SURE |
+-------+ +--------+
9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring
for a very long time while the installation program does God knows
what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter
molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has
been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food
processor. At the very least, the installation program will create
many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your
hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with
names like "puree,exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."
10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should
display the following message:
CONGRATULATIONS
The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to
your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run
your software. If you experience any problems, electrical
shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or
intestinal parasites, you should immediately *!@!$)$%@&*
^)$*!#$_$*^&
11. At this point your comptuer system should become less functional
than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck
with furniture.
12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the
package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain
to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged
3 through 12.