Resolutions...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk )
Thu, 12 Dec 1996 00:23:28 +0000


Hiya Loonies...

Here are the Evil Overlord's New Years Resolutions...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx

***<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>****<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>***
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*******************Internet Goddess********************
**********************ANDROMEDA************************

  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------


1.  My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, 
    not face-concealing ones.

2.  My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3.  My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not 
    kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4.  Shooting is *not* too good for my enemies.

5.  The artefact which is the the source of my power will not be kept on 
    the mountain of despair beyond the river of fire guarded by the 
    dragons of eternity.  It will be in my safe-deposit box.

6.  I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7.  When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, 
    "or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?"  my reply 
    will be, "no, I'm just sensible."

8.  When I've captureed my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill 
    me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?"  I'll say, 
    "no," and shoot him.

9.  After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married 
    immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in 
    three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be 
    carried out.

10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
    neccessary.  if it is neccessary, it will not be a large red button 
    labelled "danger:  do not push."

11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
    destined to overthrow me--I'll do it myself.

12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum--a small 
    hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

13. I will be secure in my superiority.  Therefore, I will feel no need 
    to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my 
    weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident 
    - I'm mot accountable to anyone and my enemies wouldn't believe it.  

15. I will make it clear that I *do* know the meaning of the word 
    "mercy;" I simply choose not to show any.

16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child.  Any 
    flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before 
    implementation.

17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom 
    of the cliff.  The announcement of their deaths, as well as any 
    accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the 
    aforementioned disposal.

18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as 
    members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear 
    military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any 
    other form of last request.

20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown.  If I find
    that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to 
    activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting 
    his plan into operation.

21. I will design all doomsday machines myself.  If I must hire a mad
    scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently 
    twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage 
    he's caused.

22. I will never utter the sentence, "but before I kill you, there's 
    just one thing I want to know."

23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to 
    their advice.