The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Fri, 6 Dec 1996 13:58:50 +0000
Hiya People...
Here's some computer terminology which might come in handy...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
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*******************Internet Goddess********************
**********************ANDROMEDA************************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
There are certain basic computer terms that you need to try to
familiarize yourself with, so that when you go to purchase a computer,
you don't sound like just some random putz. Instead, you'll sound like
a specific putz who memorized some terms out of a book.
You should use these terms whenever you have to "interface" with
computer experts. For example, if you're purchasing a new computer, you
want to use as many of these terms as possible, so that store personnel
will realize that they're dealing with a person who has a high level of
technical expertise.
HARDWARE:
This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill
beer/tea/cola on it.
SOFTWARE:
These are the PROGRAMS that you put on the HARD DRIVE by sticking them
through the little SLOT. The function of the software is to give
instructions to the CPU, which is a set of three initials inside the
computer that rapidly processes billions of tiny facts, called BYTES,
and within a fraction of a second sends you an ERROR MESSAGE that
requires you to call the CUSTOMER SUPPORT HOTLINE and be placed on HOLD
for approximately the life span of a CARIBOU. Software is usually
accompanied by DOCUMENTATION in the form of big fat scary MANUALS that
nobody ever reads. In fact, for the past five years most of the
"manuals" shipped with software products have actually been copies of
Stephen King's THE STAND with new covers pasted on.
MEGAHERTZ:
This is a really, really big hertz.
RAM:
This is a shorthand way of referring to "ROM." The unit of measurement
for RAM is the "MEG," which stands for "a certain amount of RAM." The
function of RAM is to give guys a way of deciding whose computer has the
biggest, studliest, most tumescent MEMORY. This is important, because
with today's complex software, the more memory a computer has, the
faster it can produce error messages. So the bottom line is, if you're a
guy, you cannot have enough RAM.
The above are excerpts from: "A Brief History of Computing", by Dave
Barry