The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Wed, 9 Oct 1996 16:11:11 +0100
Hiya Loonies...
Here are some new and mysterious computer viruses for you...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
*************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>*************
*****<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>*****<bloodaxe@geocities.com>*****
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------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
NEW 1996 COMPUTER VIRUSES YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT
BOBBIT VIRUS
Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that
part will never work again.)
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands
back to 200MB.
AT&T VIRUS
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the
AT&T virus.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS
This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of
impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C/:
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS
Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an
"electronic microorganism."
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS
Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you
attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about
possible alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn
thing quits.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS
It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
TED TURNER VIRUS
Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #1
Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining
into a binary network.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2
Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out
watt!
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking
about it.
BUREAUCRAT VIRUS
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does
practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important
part of your computer.
TERRY RANDLE VIRUS
Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort".
PUBLIC TELEVISION VIRUS
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
GALLUP VIRUS
Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14
percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin or error).
TEXAS VIRUS
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1
The computer locks up, screens split erratically with a message
appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow
the user to accomplish anything.
AIRLINE VIRUS
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
JOHN MAJOR VIRUS
Restricts a screen to 16 shades of grey.
BRITISH RAIL VIRUS
90% of all files loaded arrive 20 minutes later.
AA VIRUS
It doesn't do any harm, but it knows a virus that can.
BNFL VIRUS
When you delete files they stay on the hard disk for 24000 years.
BRITISH GAS VIRUS
It won't do anything now, but it will send two viruses around next week.
TRAFFIC CONE VIRUS
Slows down the busses and all other traffic, and has a tendancy to occur
on bank holidays.
FREUDIAN VIRUS
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
ELVIS VIRUS
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs -- only to
resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS
Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
SEARS VIRUS
Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set
of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS
Your programs can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS
Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot-up, then subtracts money
from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it
purchases through Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill
for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS
It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs ... no new files!" on the
screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive
with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
NEW YORK JETS VIRUS
Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.
LAPD VIRUS
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases
them in "self-defense."
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS
Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but
you still love it.
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS
Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer will
take it back.
O.J. VIRUS #1
It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your
files and vows to find the virus that did it.
O.J. VIRUS #2...You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you
just can't prove it.
PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS...Your system works fine, but it complains loudly
about foreign software.
COLIN POWELL VIRUS...Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything.
Secretly, you wish it would.
HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS...Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a
year later, in another directory.
BOB DOLE VIRUS...Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be
much of a threat.
STEVE FORBES VIRUS...All files are flattened to the same size.
NIKE VIRUS...Just does it.