The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Mon, 12 Aug 1996 13:05:08 +0100
Hiya Loonies...
Here are some extracts from letters sent to an agony aunt...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************
*****<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>***<bloodaxe@geocities.com>*****
*** ***
*** THE LOONY BIN ***
*** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk ***
*** ***
******************Internet Goddess*******************
*********************ANDROMEDA***********************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
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DEAR ABBY: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her
mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never
seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could
be Lebanese?
CURIOUS
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DEAR ABBY: I've been married for six years and have five kids. No twins.
My husband still wants to have sex every night and sometimes in the
morning too. I told him he should get himself a hobby, and he says that
is his hobby.
---------------------------
...I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even
sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
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...I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill
for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should
share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money
with him.
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...I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I
confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would
never happen again.
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...Will you please rush me the name of a reliable illegitimate doctor?
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...Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised
in a good Christian home turn against his own?
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...I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get
out?
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...My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour
every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
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...I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank
until one night he came home sober.
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...Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift?
I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.
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My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her
mental pause.
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I met this nice guy who was in the service. He's the chief petting
officer.
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... Then you told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex
to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years
ago and he is a doctor.
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...This is the second marriage for both of us. And when my husband said
"I Will" he knew damn well he couldn't.
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DEAR ABBY: I've been going steady with this man for six years. We see
each other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but
he never mentions marriage. Do you think he's going out with me just for
what he can get?
GERTIE
DEAR GERTIE: I don't know. What's he getting?
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DEAR ABBY: My husband hates to spend money! I cut my own hair and
make my own clothes, and I have to account for every nickel I spend.
Meanwhile he has a stock of savings bonds put away that would choke a
cow. How do I get some money out of him before we are both called to our
final judgment? He says he's saving for a rainy day.
FORTY YEARS HITCHED
DEAR HITCHED: Tell him it's raining!
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DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd
like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd
like?
CAROL
DEAR CAROL: Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.
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DEAR ABBY: Are birth control pills deductible?
KAY
DEAR KAY: Only if they don't work.
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DEAR ABBY: Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife
had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me,
can a baby this big be that early?
WONDERING
DEAR WONDERING: The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.
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DEAR ABBY: Do you think about dying much?
CURIOUS
DEAR CURIOUS: No, it's the last thing I want to do.
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DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the
same time?
JAKE
DEAR JAKE: Yes, and also hazardous.
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DEAR ABBY: I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and
he's still chasing women. Any suggestions?
ANNIE
DEAR ANNIE: Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if
he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.
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DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I
can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
SAM IN CAL.
DEAR SAM: Yes. Run for public office.
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DEAR ABBY: What inspires you most to write?
TED
DEAR TED: The Bureau of Internal Revenue.
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DEAR ABBY: When you are being introduced, is it all right to say, "I've
heard a lot about you"?
RITA
DEAR RITA: It depends on what you've heard.
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DEAR ABBY: I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my
age with no bad habits.
ROSE
DEAR ROSE: So would I.
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DEAR ABBY: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?
BESS
DEAR BESS: Night and day.
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