The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Wed, 31 Jul 1996 03:10:45 +0100
Hiya People...
Here's the next part...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************
******************<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>*******************
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*** THE LOONY BIN ***
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******************Internet Goddess*******************
*********************ANDROMEDA***********************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
Here is an installment of selections stolen without permission from
_Papal Bull_, 'A Humorous Dictionary for Catholics' by Dean Sullivan
published by Simon and Schuster:
New Testament - Sequel to the Old Testament in which God was in a
considerably better mood.
novices - Clerics who are still adjusting their habits.
nun -
1. A woman who has taken vows of poverty and chastity--hence the name.
2. The butt of the joke ending with this punch line: "That was no laity,
that was my sister"
Old Testament - A book of scripts for Cecil B. De Mille.
Olive branch - A welcome sign of hope for Noah, since he had only
stocked enough martini olives for thirty-eight days.
ONE (1) A.D. - The year peoples ages started increasing each year.
ordinary time - The period on the litergical calendar when the Church
readily admits that there isn't much going on.
Original Sin -
1. What is cleansed by baptism,. after which we use the new and improved
kind.
2. What teenagers are always trying to come up with.
pagans - People without religion whose numbers span the globe - never
knowing the thrill of a bingo victory or the agony of the feet after the
reading of the Passion.
palms - Branches you leave behind in the pews on Palm Sunday, only to
have the priest burn them and rub the cinders on your forehead the next
Ash Wednesday.
pantheism - the belief in the miracle of Teflon.
papal bull - a letter from the Pope that's infallibull.
papal infallibility -
1.The doctrine which states that the only time the Pope is wrong is when
he is mistaken.
2. Why the Pope would clean up on Jeopardy.
parochial school - Where you learn enough about religion to say Mass and
enough about sex to use the right public restroom.
patron saint - The guardian you talk to when all the other lines are
busy.
Pentateuch - the first five books of the Bible---and the only books of
the New Testament that Catholics can recall.
Pentacost - Fifty days after Easter--by which time you've more than made
up for your Lenten sacrifices.
permanent deacon - A married man who can do almost anything a priest
can, and some things he can't.
petitions - The time during the Mass when everyone is praying for world
peace but thinking, "Please help me with the lottery"
poverty - A vow taken by the clergy that keeps the Church in the black.
prayer - Your last resort for obtaining something that you don't have a
chance in Hell of getting.
Pre-Cana - The required wedding preperation retreat which helps a couple
establish a solid base for arguments in the coming years.
predestination
1. The rendezvous.spot for you and your friends when you're supposed to
be at Mass,
2.The gas station where a Catholic family stops, even though Mom and Dad
told everyone to go before they left.
pride - Bringing photographs along to confession.
procession - The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass,
consisting of the alter boys, the lay ministers, the celebrant, and the
late parishioners looking for a seat.
Protestant - A person who will probably make it to Heaven, but won't
live in as good a neighbourhood.
purgatory - 1. A place that Cub fans will bypass completely
2. A place where a snowball still has a chance.