Some thoughts on DNA...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk )
Mon, 1 Jul 1996 11:53:32 +0100


Hiya Folks...

Here's one from Chuck...I'm sure I remember Alan submitting this in the
very early days of the Loony Bin...

Checking back I do indeed have the original which is almost identical
except for one small but glaring anomaly...

There are no prizes for finding it (assuming you were one of the early
Loonies and have it saved to file) so I wouldn't bother if I were you...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx

************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************
******************<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>*******************
***                                               ***
***                THE LOONY BIN                  ***
***          loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk         ***
***                                               ***
******************Internet Goddess*******************
*********************ANDROMEDA***********************

  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------


For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that
very little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.

I have solved the mystery.

The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is
that the rest of it is comments.

Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as
follows:

  ===
  /* HUMAN_DNA.H
   *
   * Human Genome
   * Version 2.1
   *
   * (C) God
   */

  /* Revision history:
   *
   * 0000-00-01 00:00  1.0  Adam.
   * 0000-00-02 10:00  1.1  Eve.
   * 0000-00-03 02:11  1.2  Added penis code to male version. A bit 
   *                        messy -- will require a rewrite later on to 
   *                        make it neater.
   * 0017-03-12 03:14  1.3  Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code 
   *                        from elephant-dna.c
   * 0145-10-03 16:33  1.4  Removed tail.
   * 1115-00-31 17:20  1.5  Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
   * 2091-08-20 13:56  1.6  Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
   * 2501-04-09 14:04  1.7  Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour 
   *                        made darker to match my own image.
   * 2909-07-12 02:21  1.8  Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' 
   *                        teeth.
   *                        Must remember to make mouth bigger to 
   *                        compensate.
   * 4501-12-31 14:18  1.9  Increase average height.
   * 5533-02-12 17:09  2.0  Added gay option, triggered by high 
   *                        population density, to try and slow the 
   *                        overpopulation problem.
   * 6004-11-04 16:11  2.1  Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in 
   *                        centre of CD.
   */

  /* Standard definitions
   */

  #define SEX maleb
  #define HEIGHT 1.84
  #define MASS 68
  #define RACE caucasian

  /* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
   *
   * Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
   * inheritance features.
   */

  #include "mother.h"
  #include "father.h"

  #ifndef FATHER
  #warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
  #include "bastard.h"
  #endif

  /* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
   */
  #include <sex.h>

  /* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
   * library sometime soon.
   */
  struct genitals
    {
  #ifdef MALE
     Penis *jt;
  #endif

  #ifdef FEMALE
     /* G_spot *g;   Removed for debugging purposes */
     Vagina *p;
  #endif
    }

  /* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
   * Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
   */
  DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);

  /* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
   *
   * Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the 
   * organism to display at birth.
   *
   * Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
   */
  Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);

  ===

  .and so on.


  [ Note that God programs in C, uses three-space tabs and /* */ style
  comments ]