The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Thu, 30 May 1996 05:46:56 +0100
Hiya People...
Here's a list of things to do in preparation for parenthood...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************
******************<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>*******************
*** ***
*** THE LOONY BIN ***
*** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk ***
*** ***
******************Internet Goddess*******************
*********************ANDROMEDA***********************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
Parenthood
==========
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents
to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a
mother or father.
1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months,
take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the
local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and
tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket.
Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go
home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are
already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline,
lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have
allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might
improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners
and overall behaviour. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life
that you will have all the answers.
3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room
from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs.
At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to
sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the
bag, till 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to
sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2.45am. Get up
again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until
4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up
for 5 years. Look cheerful.
4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, first smear
Marmite onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger
behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers
in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains
with crayons.
5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an
octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string
bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all
morning.
6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn
it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only sellotape
and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a
milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops
and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You
have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.
7. Forget the Peugeot 205 and buy a Sierra. And don't think you can
leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't
look like that. Buy a choc ice and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there. Get a 20p piece. Stick it in the cassette player.
Take a family-size packet of chocolate biscuits. Mash them down the
back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There.
Perfect.
8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the loo for half an hour. Go out
the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again.
Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk
very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely
every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead
insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as
much as you can stand, until the neighbours come out and stare at
you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready
to try taking a small child for a walk.
9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you
can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If
you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy
your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.
Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily
accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.
11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from
the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy
Weetabix and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by
pretending to be an aeroplane. Continue until half the Weetabix is
gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls
on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.
12. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam and
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing
"Postman Pat" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.