The Loony Bin
Wed, 22 May 1996 08:31:03 +0100
Hiya Loonies... Here are some truly appalling jokes sent to us by Shelley from herself and Debbie... I hope nobody is hopeless enough to try telling them... Wishes & Dreams... - ANDREA xx ************<email@example.com>************ ******************<firstname.lastname@example.org>******************* *** *** *** THE LOONY BIN *** *** email@example.com *** *** *** ******************Internet Goddess******************* *********************ANDROMEDA*********************** ------- Forwarded foolishness follows ------- Two carrots are walking down a road when a car slams into both of them and speeds away. The first carrot is only slightly scratched up and spends many anxious hours in the waiting room at the hospital. Finally, the doctor comes out. "Well," the doctor says, I havs some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is your friend will live. The bad new is he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life. -- this one is better spoken A man goes into a therapist's office. He has been having terribly disturbing dreams. Each night when he falls asleep he dreams that he is a teepee, wakes up in a cold sweet, then falls back to sleep and dreams that he is a wigwam, then wakes up screaming. He asks the therapist what's wrong with him. It's simple, she says - you're two tents (aka too tense). ______________________________________ Beware some of these jokes are so LAME they are very hard to get. * Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted. * What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk. * Two ropes walk into a bar. The bartender says to the rope "Hey! we don't serve ropes in here" so one of the ropes left. The other rope frayed up his hair and tied himself in a knot. The bartender said to the rope "Are you a rope?" and the rope said "I'm afaid not" * Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the Salad dressing. * A mom, dad and baby tomato are walking down the street and the baby starts to lag behind so the dad goes back and smashes the baby and says "ketchup" * A frog is looking for a loan, so he goes into a bank. He sits down at a desk and the name plate says "Patty Whac". He talks to Patty about the loan and she asks him what he has for collateral. The frog replies "well I have this vase." He pulls the vase out of a bag to show her. Patty says "well thats just a cheap knick-knack". Then the bank manager notices the vase and says to himself "gee that's from the 17th century, it's worth tons of money" So he walks over to Patty and says "That's no knick-knack Patty Whac give the frog a loan". * 3 old men are at the doctor's for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three"? "274" was his reply. The doctor says to the second man "It's your turn. What is three times three"? "Tuesday" replys the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "OK, Your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great" says the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Simple" says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday". * How do you catch a squirrel? Climb into a tree and act like a nut... * Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he/she had no guts! * A little boy was visiting his grandmother and the young boy asked his grandmother,"grandma, how old are you"? She replied, "you shouldn't ask me questions like that". A few minutes passed and the young boy asked his grandmother another question, "how much do you weight"? The grandmother replied, "you shouldn't ask me questions like that"! The following week when the little boy went back to school he told his friends about the coversation he had with his grandmother and how he was unable to get an answer from her. The little boy's friends advised him to look on her drivers licence, all the information will be there. The next week when the little boy was visiting his grandmother he told her he knew how much she weighed and how old she was. The grandmother didn't believe him until he told her,"you weight 130lb., and you are 65 years old". Then the little boy in a bashfull way wispered to his grandmother, "I also know you got an F in Sex". * Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because he was too chicken. * What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name. * Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones. * What do you call a person with leprosy in a bath tub? Stew. * Two old guys at an old folk's home shooting the breeze. One says "How's the memory?" The other says "Perfect, touch wood", and raps his knuckles on the table. 2 minutes go by, and then he says "Somebody gonna get the door or what? * Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods one day? * What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck! * A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him "Doc, I think I have an obcession with sex." The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it. The man immediately says "sex". Next the doctor draws a circle, which the man again identifies as sex. Thirdly, the doctor draws a triangle, which of course the patient identifies as "sex". The doctor puts the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe that you have an obcession with sex." To which the man replies, "I'm not the one with the obcession! YOU'RE the one drawing all the dirty pictures!" * Why don't cannibals eat comedians? Because they taste funny. * A skeleton is in a bar. He goes up to the bar. "A pint of lager and a mop please." * "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground." * What's brown and sticky? A stick. * A horse walks into a bar, the barman says "why the long face?" * How do you catch a unique rabbit? U Neaq up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, you neaq up on it. * How do you describe the average cannibal? A guy with a wife and ate children. * What did the cannibal do when he saw an 'All you can eat restaurant'? He had two waiters and a busboy. * Why are proctologists so gloomy? They always have the end in sight. * What do you give an elephant with diarrhoea? Lots of room. * Two men walk into a bar. You would think the second one would have ducked. * What does Mozart do now that he is dead? He decomposes..... * Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach? To keep his nuts warm. * Whatdaya call a cow with two legs? Lean Beef. Whatdaya call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef. Whatdaya call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he ain't gonna come anyway... * A woman asked her husband to go to the video store and get Scent of a Woman. Her husband came back with a Fish Called Wanda. * Why do they put bells on cows? Because their horns don't work! * Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says "god it's hot in here, and the other sausage says "OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING SAUSAGE!" * One day this guy's house was on fire so he decided he better call the fire department. He got on the phone with the chief and the man was very frantic. The man said "Chief you have to get over her my house is on fire." The chief says "Calm down, how do we get to your house?" and the man said "You don't have those big red trucks anymore?" * Did you hear about the cannibal who came home late for dinner and his wife gave him a cold shoulder? * What do you call a sleepwalking nun? Roamin' Catholic. * There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count. And those who can't. * Why did the bee cross his legs? Because he couldn't find the BP station. * What did the apple say to the orange? Nothing, stupid, apples don't talk. * What do you do with a dog that has no legs? Take him out for a drag. * Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs. * What is the famous last word in surgery? Ouch!! * There was a lawyer who was talking to his client who had just committed murder. He said "I have some good news, and some bad news. The bad news is that you're getting the electric chair." His client said "That's terrible!! Well, what's the good news?" The lawyer said "I got the voltage lowered." * A travelling salesman is driving down a country road when a rabbit runs in front of his car and he hits it. The proverbial farmer is sitting on a fence watching. The salesman gets out of his car and opens the trunk. He then removes an aerosol can and sprays the contents on the dead rabbit. The next thing you know the rabbit gets up and hops about 20 ft. down the road, turns and waves to the salesman, goes another 20 ft. and waves to the salesman. The salesman looks at the farmer and ays "he'll be okay now." The salesman gets into his car and leaves. The farmer, wondering what's going on, walks over to the ditch where the salesman threw the can, picks it up and reads the label which says FOR HARE RESTORATION AND PERMANENT WAVE. * What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud. * A pork pie walks into a bar and the barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here." * What is the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as he hits a windshield? His butt. * Two male mushrooms are walking down the road. Walking towards them is a female mushroom all dressed up. They look at her. She ignores them both and walks right by. Then the one male mushroom, in a very high pitched mushroom voice, says to the other: "Jeez, she didn't even look at us. What's wrong? We are a couple of fun-gis!" * What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says...." * A farmer is milking his cow. As he is milking, a fly comes along and flies into the cow's ear. A little bit later, the farmer notices the fly in the milk. The farmer looks up and says, "Hmph. In one ear, out the utter." * How do you turn a cat into a dog? You tie up the cat, pour gasoline on it, light a match and watch him go WOOF!!!! How do you turn a dog into a cat? You tie up the dog, get an electric saw to cut him, and watch him go MEOWWWWW!!!!!! * How do you get Dragon milk? From a cow with short legs. * What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. * What do you get when you put a canary in a blender? Shredded tweet * Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay then they would be bagels. * What do you call a missing parrot? A polygon. * An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him, "So how has life been treating you?" The old man replies, "The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turns the light on and when I'm finished, He turns the light off." While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor tells her what her husband said. She replied "D*mn it! The old fart's been pissin in the fridge again!" * What do you call a parrot wearing a raincoat? Polly unsaturated. * How is a divorce in West Virginia like a hurricane in Florida? Either way, you lose the trailer. * Have you heard about Ron Howard's new movie, a travel documentary about northern Europe? It's called "Mr. Opie's Holland" * Where does a one armed man shop? At a second hand store! * What's the difference between a mosquito and a fly? A mosquito can fly, but a fly can't mosquito. * Three guys are in a bar on the top of a cliff. The first guy says to the other guys "You know, if I had just one more beer, I think I could fly." The second guy says "No Way!" So the first guy orders a beer and drinks it. Then all three guys walk out to the edge of the cliff. The first guy jumps off, starts falling to the ground, and then flies back to the top of the cliff. The second guy is totally amazed, so he says "You know, if I had another beer, I bet I could do that too." So all three guys go into the bar, and the second guy has another beer. After he finished, he said "Ok, I will be able to fly now" So they all went outside and the second guy jumped off the cliff and fell to the bottom, where he hit the ground and died instantly. The third guy turned to the first guy and said "You know Superman, you are a real jerk when you drink"