Manchester 2000 Olympic Bid...

The Loony Bin ( )
Tue, 21 May 1996 10:40:40 +0100

Hiys Loonies...

This was sent to me by my friend Pod from afp...sorry to our friends
across the pond - one or two of the references may be a little

Wishes & Dreams...


***                                               ***
***                THE LOONY BIN                  ***
***         ***
***                                               ***
******************Internet Goddess*******************

  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------

                   Manchester 2000 - An Olympic Bid

The itinerary and schedule of events for Manchester's bid can now be

Opening Ceremony

This is to be kept as brief as possible, due to the low boredom
threshold of the average Mancunian.

There will be no Parade of Athletes round the arena since if they leave
their rooms at the village for more than 2 minutes, the rooms will be
stripped bare by the time they get back.

Neither will there be any flags in the stadium, as any left unattended
are likely to be stolen and used to decorate the walls at a future
warehouse rave.

The Olympic Flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of
the city (preferably from the Ordsall area), wearing the traditional
costume of shell suit, baseball cap and balaclava mask. It will burn for
the duration of the games in a large chip pan situated on the roof of
the stadium.

The Events

In previous Olympic games, Britain's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local

100 Metres Sprint

Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one
under each arm), and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog
will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the atheletes.

100 Metres Hurdles

As above, but with added obstacles (ie car bonnets, hedges, garden
fences, walls etc)


Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
(claw, ballpeine, sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause
the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time


Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery
as possible in 5 minutes.

Long jump/ High Jump

These events have been amalgamated and will be referred to simply as "A
Jump", Mixed teams, in loose fitting clothing only.


A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The
first target will be a moving police van. In the second round,
competitors will aim at a post office counter clerk, bank teller or an
Armaguard/Securicor style wages delivery man.


Entry to the Boxing will restricted to husband and wife teams, and will
take place on a Friday night. The Husband will be given 15 pints of
bitter, while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets
home. The bout will then commence.

Cycling Time Trials

Competitors will be asked to break into the university bike sheds and
take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the home
counties on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

Cycling Pursuit

As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the SAS
rugby team, who will witness the theft.

Modern Pentathlon

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding,
and arson

The Marathon

A safe route has yet to be decided, but competitors will be issued with
sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round
the course.


Competitors will be thrown off a bridge on the Manchester Ship Canal.
The first 3 survivors back will decide the medals.

Mens 4 x 100 metres

To be run according to the rules with the slight ammendment of replacing
the batons with handbags stolen from members of the public watching the

Mens 4 x 400 metres

As above, but with a police dog giving pursuit to ensure the competitors
run further.


This will now be a pairs event. In the first round, entrants will be
required to smash a shop window and make their escape with a 3 piece
suite or a washing machne from the display. Medals will be awarded to
the first team to overturn and torch a police armed response vehicle,
complete with constables.


Please note that the ladies floor exercises have been replaced by a
rhythmic clog dancing formation team event. Competitors will also be
judged on the difficulty of the knots with which their shawls are tied.

Mens 50km Walk

Unfortunatly, this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Manchester.

Proposed Exhibition Sport

Following the success of other exhibition sports, Manchester proposes
their version of the modern pentathlon. Suggestions recieved so far
include yard of ale contests, whippet keeping, pigeon racing, tram
spotting and black pudding or ferret juggling.

The Closing Ceremony

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Hacienda 'Health in the Community' anti drugs campaigners, dwarf tossing
and music by the Happy Mondays and Morrisey.

The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old
washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to
the stadium.

The stadium will then be boarded up before the local atheletes break
into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.