The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Wed, 15 May 1996 12:17:51 +0100
Hiya People...
Here's a little something for our physicists from the archives of
alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
--
************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************
******************<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>*******************
*** ***
*** THE LOONY BIN ***
*** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk ***
*** ***
******************Internet Goddess*******************
*********************ANDROMEDA***********************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
Sexual Sin and Christians...
Let me put all this in terms that everyone on this board will
understand. God is a point mass, centered at the origin of our xyz
space. Christ, we will assume, is at the right hand of God, or about
100 centimeters away. His mass is probably around 75 kilograms. Since
God has a very large mass (a bit less than infinity), Christ, who we
will assume is in a circular orbit around God, has a very large
momentum, and hence has a very small wavelength. This means that
Christ's uncertainty is quite small, so we can therefore conclude that
he is fairly certain in all that he does.
Now let us consider a sinner. We shall place him at a large distance
from God, say one inch and 45 million light-years. He, also being in a
circular orbit, will be traveling significantly slower than Christ, and
will therefore be more uncertain about it. One should also consider,
however, that since Christ's orbit could fit in a kiddie pool, while the
sinner's would encompass not only our galaxy, but a few of the nearby
ones as well, that the sinner gets around more, sees more, and is
generally a more knowledgable guy than the Savior. This fits in with
traditional wisdom.
>From this situation we can draw a few conclusions. The first is that
Mary, the Mother of God, being a fairly pure person is close to God.
This means that she must be a fast woman. The second conclusion that
can be drawn is that sinners have a lot more potential than saints,
since less of their energy is stored as kinetic energy. Further
insights can be gained when we look at the situation of the Heathen.
A heathen is someone who is not affected by God. This means that they
are at least an infinite distance from him. Now, assuming that one of
these folk starts to travel towards God, he will convert his potential
energy to kinetic energy during the approach, or descent. Since he
started out an infinite distance away, but with some kinetic energy of
his own, he will approach God on a hyperbolic trajectory and then
dissapear into space again, never to be seen again. If his approach is
such that it brings him inside the orbit of the Son of God, then right
after his closest approach, the sinner's velocity will be greater than
Jesus', which means that he will be more sure of himself in his escape
than Christ is in orbit. This is an interesting notion, but some of the
side ramifications are even more intriging.
Without any orbiters, therefore, God would not be able to attract anyone
-- all approaching bodies would have either parabolic or hyperbolic
trajectories. However, once God has an orbiter, the two of them could
collaborate to capture other bodies. This means that heathens that get
too close to believers in their approaches might get trapped, and by the
same token, believers who are buzzed by heathens could be ejected.
And what, the reader asks at this point, does any of this have to do
with sex? This is alt.sex.b.p.p, not alt.god.b.p.p. Well, the answer is
this: sex, as we all know, is the union of two or more people. This,
in our analogy, would be represented as a collision. Now, in
Christianity, almost all of the holy figures are male. For God, a
collision between any of these close in folk would be disastrous,
because, even if we assume they are indestructable, such a high energy
collision would:
- eject one of the men in it,
- cause one of them to fall into God,
- or, give them highly irregular elliptical orbits.
All of these would be bad for God, because in the first two cases He
would lose orbiters, making His chance at capturing new ones less, and
in the third case He would have a much greater chance of more
collisions, as the elliptical orbiters would cross many of the
unaffected circular orbits. Therefore, God probably disapproves of
these collisions.
Anyway, I managed to bring this rant back to the topic it was supposed
to address in the first place, so I'm gonna eat lunch now. If anyone is
not offended yet, I can use the anology to prove the next verse in
Leveticus, that "no man shall wear clothes of two different fabrics".
Later, y'all.