Genetic lunacy

ajc6@ukc.ac.uk
Mon, 09 Oct 95 16:12:56 bst


> or many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that 
> very little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.
> 
> I have solved the mystery.
> 
> The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that 
> the rest of it is comments.
> 
> Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as 
> follows:
> 
> ===
> 
> /* HUMAN_DNA.H
>  *
>  * Human Genome
>  * Version 2.1
>  *
>  * (C) God
>  */
> 
> /* Revision history:
>  *
>  * 0000-00-01 00:00  1.0  Adam.
>  * 0000-00-02 10:00  1.1  Eve.
>  * 0000-00-03 02:11  1.2  Added penis code to male version. A bit messy --
>  *                        will require a rewrite later on to make it neater. 
>  * 0017-03-12 03:14  1.3  Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from
>  *                        elephant-dna.c 
>  * 0145-10-03 16:33  1.4  Removed tail.
>  * 1115-00-31 17:20  1.5  Shortened forearms, expanded brain case. 
>  * 2091-08-20 13:56  1.6  Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
>  * 2501-04-09 14:04  1.7  Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made 
>  *                        darker to match my own image.
>  * 2909-07-12 02:21  1.8  Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth. 
>  *                        Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate. 
>  * 4501-12-31 14:18  1.9  Increase average height.
>  * 5533-02-12 17:09  2.0  Added gay option, triggered by high population 
>  *                        density, to try and slow the overpopulation
>  *                        problem.
>  * 6004-11-04 16:11  2.1  Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of 
>  *                        CD.
>  */
> 
> /* Standard definitions
>  */
> 
> #define SEX male
> #define HEIGHT 1.84
> #define MASS 68
> #define RACE caucasian
> 
> /* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
>  *
>  * Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper 
>  * inheritance features.
>  */
> 
> #include "mother.h"
> #include "father.h"
> 
> #ifndef FATHER
> #warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n") 
> #include "bastard.h"
> #endif
> 
> /* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
>  */
> #include 
> 
> /* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
>  * library sometime soon.
>  */
> struct genitals
>    {
> #ifdef MALE
>    Penis *jt;
> #endif
>    /* G_spot *g;   Removed for debugging purposes */
> #ifdef FEMALE
>    Vagina *p;
> #endif
>    }
> 
> /* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
>  * Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers 
>  */
> DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);
> 
> /* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
>  *
>  * Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism 
>  * to display at birth.
>  *
>  * Will be improved later to make output less ugly. 
>  */
> Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);
> 
> ===
> 
> ....and so on.
> 
> * Note that God uses three-space tabs
> 
> 
> 
> And the credit goes to...
>         Taylor Scott Gautier -- tsgautier@ucdavis.edu   
> 
>