More lunacy

ajc6@ukc.ac.uk
Mon, 09 Oct 95 15:54:33 bst


> 
> 
>                        Motoring Statements
> 
> Totally True Motoring Statements - With thanks to Jasper Carrot and Kaz.
> 
> 
> -Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I 
> don't have.
> 
> -The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
> 
> -I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my hand 
> through it.
> 
> -I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
> 
> -A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
> 
> -A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
> 
> -The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I 
> hit him.
> 
> -I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, 
> and headed over the embankment.
> 
> -The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He went to rest in 
> the bush with just his rear end showing.
> 
> -In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
> 
> -The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a 
> skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
> 
> -I had been learning to drive without power steering. I turned the wheel 
> to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction 
> going the opposite way.
> 
> -I was on my way to the doctor's with rear end trouble when my universal 
> joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
> 
> -As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place 
> where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time 
> to avoid the accident.
> 
> -To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
> 
> -My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
> 
> -An invisible car appeared out of nowhere, stuck my vehicle, and 
> vanished.
> 
> -I told the police that I was uninjured. But on removing my hat, I found 
> that I had a fractured skull.
> 
> -When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed 
> into the other vehicle.
> 
> -The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big 
> big mouth.
> 
> -I saw the the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the 
> hood  of my car.
> 
> -I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch 
> by some  stray cows.
> 
> -The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out 
> of it's path when it struck my front end.
> 
> -I saw her look at me twice; she appeared to be making slow progress 
> when we met on impact.
> 
> -No one was to blame for the accident but it never would have happened if 
> the other driver had been alert.
> 
> -I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. 
> The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with 
> injuries.
> 
> -I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home.  As I 
> reached an intersection a hedge sprung up obscuring my vision. I didn't 
> see the other car.
> 
> -I had been driving my car for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel 
> and had an accident.
> 
> -I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the
> roadway when I struck him.
> 
> -The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.
> 
> "The trees were passing me in an orderly row at fifty miles
> per hour when suddenly one of them stepped out into my path."
> 
> "I ran over a man, he admitted it was his fault since he had been knocked down 
> before."
> 
> "I ran into a lamp post that was obscured by human beings."
> 
> "The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week."
> 
> 
> ---------------------------------------------------[Thu Mar  3 12:34:19 1994]--
> From: the second from the left... (chunkie)
> 
> Subject: Message from chunkie.
> 
> - I had to swerve several times before I hit 'im.
> 
> ---------------------------------------------------[Thu Mar  3 16:12:39 1994]--
> From: End of term, end of money. (eldar)
> 
> Subject:I never thought there were any more original ones of these.
> 
> I have been proved right....
> 
> eldar.
> 
> ---------------------------------------------------[Fri Mar  4 14:51:51 1994]--
> From: Hard Livers Have Hard Livers. (rik)
> 
> Subject: I was sort of hoping - you might have heard some.  Not you personally
> - because I understand that they don't allow people who gibber behiind the
> wheel of a car - or even out of the house very often - but I can hope.
> 
> ---------------------------------------------------[Mon Mar  7 17:06:12 1994]--
> From: End of term, end of money. (eldar)
> 
> Subject:Hmmm.....
> 
> I have been on two insurance claim forms, never got to even try and write
> something mildly original. Perhaps they should include a little box you could
> tick if you want your claim to, be published be anyone who wants.
> 
> eldar (wrote off 1 Metro, door of sherpa van, front of 2 other vans).
> 
> ---------------------------------------------------[Tue Mar  8 09:13:44 1994]--
> From: Unease in the breeze of silence (metallica)
> 
> Subject:Third time lucky...
> 
> maybe you'll do some serious damageto yourself next time :)
> 
> 
> Metallica (goes off wondering why he's making so many offensive comments this
> morning...?)
> 
> ---------------------------------------------------[Tue Mar  8 09:25:48 1994]--
> From: End of term, end of money. (eldar)
> 
> Subject:Offense?
> 
> I just want to write something funny in an insurance claim form, that's all.
> It's just that "I was cutting a blind corner and ran into the front of a sherpa
> van" isn't very funny, is it?
> 
> eldar (sad but true...).
> 
> ---------------------------------------------------[Tue Mar  8 10:35:02 1994]--
> From: WastingAwayTheMomentsThatMakeUpADullDay (koyli)
> 
> Subject:I saw the accident, but not the claim form,
> 
> but this is how it might have been written.....
> 
> 'I only realised that the bridge was not wide enough for two cars, after we had
> crashed head-on.'
> 
> ---------------------------------------------------[Tue Mar  8 11:16:20 1994]--
> From: End of term, end of money. (eldar)
> 
> Subject:Bridges
> 
> It wasn't a bridge. I'd got across the bridge alright....
> 
> What about,
> 
> "The lorry parked in my line of view didn't allow me time to prevent the
> accident."
> 
> That is just about true of one of mine.
> 
> eldar.
> 
> 
> 
> 
>